I made a low calorie cake today. It worked from a diet point of view because it's fucking disgusting and I'm not eating it.

I've just looked at this picture of a guinea pig dressed as a dinosaur and it's calmed me down. A bit.  http://yfrog.com/mmwcgsj 

I fear that one day I will select the incorrect eyebrow hair to pluck and then my face will collapse like a game of Kerplunk.

Please can someone help me out of the bottom half of this gherkin costume? I'm in a bit of a pickle.

I see Monty Don is on telly. Of course, his full name is Montgomery Dontgomery.

I've just spent way too long making tiny Santa hats for Doctor Who figures. http://t.co/B3tFzmqn

Every day this dad draws a picture on his kids' sandwich bags. They don't find out what he's drawn until lunchtime:  http://goo.gl/oLQx1 

Olympics fun I am looking forward to: Gymnacrobatics, Waterdivings, Speedy SplishSplash, Run-N-Jumps, Sprinty Leaps and Sexy Sandy Bum Ball.

"Dare to wear red"?! Cock the cock off, Special K. Nobody has to lose weight to wear red. Now go away and think about what you've done.

Eddie Jordan is like a suave Chuckle Brother. #F1

Got chatting to a very philosophical, obese monk this morning. He was a deep fat friar.

.@thepixelmaid just found an origami crane in a book in Wetherspoons. She unfolded it to reveal this: http://t.co/wj9ewaFh

Whenever I hear that a celebrity has "launched a fragrance", I just picture them farting.

Fuck. I just sent a text to Paul the electrician as opposed to Paul my brother-in-law. I was asking what knicker size my sister is. Fuck.

Walliams is incredible. Watch this video (also features @serafinowicz), be amazed and donate. http://t.co/DOCs9yD @sportrelief #thamesswim

My handmade bracelets available in the designs/colours of your choice. Prices range from £25 to £65. More details here: http://t.co/5ibKpiTd

Warning: contains dead owl. > RT @utterben: Hey, you know those wanky "sky lanterns" that people think are really cute? http://t.co/4MdePWyz

Is it, Vodafone? Is my bill ready? Wahey! You've made my day. Good. I was all "Where's my bill? I want my bill!" and BOOM! You dream-makers.

If someone says "I'm like Marmite - you either love me or hate me" I instantly hate them. So they're more like olives for me. I hate olives.

OH, INTERNET, I accept the cookies, alright?! On ALL the websites. Just stop asking me to accept the motherjeffing COOKIES!