Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I see Monty Don is on telly. Of course, his full name is Montgomery Dontgomery.
I made a low calorie cake today. It worked from a diet point of view because it's fucking disgusting and I'm not eating it.
Please can someone help me out of the bottom half of this gherkin costume? I'm in a bit of a pickle.
I fear that one day I will select the incorrect eyebrow hair to pluck and then my face will collapse like a game of Kerplunk.
Is it, Vodafone? Is my bill ready? Wahey! You've made my day. Good. I was all "Where's my bill? I want my bill!" and BOOM! You dream-makers.
"Dare to wear red"?! Cock the cock off, Special K. Nobody has to lose weight to wear red. Now go away and think about what you've done.
Olympics fun I am looking forward to: Gymnacrobatics, Waterdivings, Speedy SplishSplash, Run-N-Jumps, Sprinty Leaps and Sexy Sandy Bum Ball.
Just seen a Facebook post about "dogs being stollen". First horse in lasagne and now dog in festive cake. *tuts*
If someone says "I'm like Marmite - you either love me or hate me" I instantly hate them. So they're more like olives for me. I hate olives.
Eddie Jordan is like a suave Chuckle Brother. #F1
Got chatting to a very philosophical, obese monk this morning. He was a deep fat friar.
My pack of Love Hearts told the tale of a short romance:
Whenever I hear that a celebrity has "launched a fragrance", I just picture them farting.
Melter of glass. Curly of hair. Liker of words. Follow @beadsbylaura for bead tweets