My tongue is really longue.

Now is the winter of our discotheque.

1 red sock + 1 blue sock = 3D FEET!

That's what she wishes you hadn't said.

I have a foodblog, but I don't use my own name on it, I have an om nom nom de plume.

My boyfriend bought me flowers.
Him: "They're beautiful, like you"
Me: "Also they too will wither and die."
Worst. Girlfriend. Ever.

Thundercats and lightning, very very frightening, meow!

I love eating cold turkey, how do i quit that?

I'm gonna get a dog and I'm gonna call him "The Neighbours Dog". Takes some of the pressure off."

I love the twitter twatter of tiny tweets.

I want to go to bed but it's only 9:11. Too soon?

That supermarket self-scanning machine's voice is so sexy, I'd like to put an item in her bagging area.

As a prostitute, I practically sell myself.

Hey twitter! I'm engaged! Suck on that!

These fossils are sooooo old, ammonite?

When the ghost of Michael Stipe looks on at his own autopsy, he'll sing "That's me and the coronerrrr."

I think I should probably watch The Taking of Pelham 1 through 122 first.

Was tryin to call my boyfriend to say I just called to say I love you but he hung up cos he's a jerk and i actually hate him. Anyway, DRUNK.

Dear My Therapist, I never have enough confidence and conviction to sign my name to anything. Please help. Regards,

Judge, Judy and Executioner.