The Five Stages of Grief as experienced by fish when other fish die:
1) Nothing
2) Not much
3) Not a whole lot
4) Is that a castle?
5) Death

AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE THIS RANDOM PARTY I'M CRASHING, BECAUSE THIS PARTY I'M CRA--what's that? Oh my god I'm so sorry for your loss

Notice it's called OkCupid and not AmazingCupid or LoveOfYourLifeCupid or even WorthMeetingInPersonCupid

Being healthy by eating salad for lunch..pasta salad..ok pasta...actually it's pizza but it's from a place that sells pasta and maybe salad.

Currently dipping a hotdog in applesauce if anybody is wondering what my stance on marijuana is.

If a homeless person wrote "Sent from my iPad" on the bottom of their cardboard sign, I'd empty my checking account and give it all to them.

Bought a box of "Thank You" cards so I can send some out anonymously with notes on the inside like "for nothing" or "for ruining my life."

"Whoa" -Joey Lawrence, all the time still, probably.

"Oh my god, Steve Jobs died?!?" -Guy whose PC has been loading this whole time

(Steve would've liked that one, I think)

Does this chin make me look fat? What about this one?

The response you get by making your entrance with "WHAT UP SLUTS?!" is way less positive at a baby shower than it is at a bachelorette party

"The damage from Hurricane Sandy is devastating, please help dona--oh my god STAR WARS" -Twitter

I bet being famous on Twitter is like it being your birthday on Facebook.

"We Bought A Zoo" is about a family making a poor financial decision, similar to the people who bought tickets to see "We Bought A Zoo"

Instead of getting upset about sports, try to remember there are children starving in this world and I am underfollowed on Twitter.

I've really got to stop calling babies "sluts."

If you've never been blamed for ruining Christmas, you're doing it wrong.

Leaving voicemails is my favorite drinking game.

I failed a drug test because I eat a lot of poppy seed bagels when I'm high.

If somebody breaks into my house right now and brings me the Doritos in my pantry, I will share. I'm on the couch. DM me for the address.