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Getting married just because that date is 12.12.12 is almost as sad as getting married on a Wednesday.
Really expected Romney to win after that last minute Melissa Joan Heart endorsement.
Being an independent woman is like the loneliest thing ever.
The most annoying part about seeing The Great Gatsby in 3D is having to hold up a 3D monocle the entire time.
Being hot is like having personality insurance.
I've suffered from life all my depression.
Noah spoiler: 🐘🐘 🐒🐒 🐸🐸🐀🐀 🐫🐫 🐏🐏 🐗🐗 🐯🐯 🐖🐖 🐮🐮 🐢🐢 🐈🐈 🐇🐇 🐥🐥 🐛🐛 🐓🐓 🐞🐞 🐃🐃 🐩🐩 🐴🐴 🐹🐹 🐺🐺 🐭🐭 🐍🐍 🐻🐻 🐆🐆 🐐🐐 🐊🐊
"WE WERE ON A BREAK" --congRoss
I'm such a spontaneous person, I'll have a panic attack basically whenever.
Vidal Sassoon to be buried with extra body.
What did fat girls with really great personalities do prior to the internet?
Heidi Klum said to be divorcing Seal because she wants to date otter people.
When a guy waits 3 days to text me after a date, I like to wait another 3 days and then never text him back.
Dog the Bounty Hunter was cancelled after 8 seasons. That's like 56 seasons in Dog the Bounty Hunter years.
Wonder if the moon feels disgusting & worthless when it's full too.
Can't believe the American flag got 50 favs.
"I'm wasted!!!" --All of my money
If, in 10 years, I still haven't bought a zoo & you also haven't bought a zoo, WE should buy a zoo.
I hate being lonely, but it's still more fun than being social.
Writer for The Late Late Show with James Corden. Previously: MTV Movie Awards, Love You, Mean It with Whitney Cummings, Esther with Hot Chicks & JASH
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