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Really expected Romney to win after that last minute Melissa Joan Heart endorsement.
Being an independent woman is like the loneliest thing ever.
The most annoying part about seeing The Great Gatsby in 3D is having to hold up a 3D monocle the entire time.
Being hot is like having personality insurance.
I've suffered from life all my depression.
Cashier at Whole Foods: Single?
Me: How'd you guess?
Cashier: No, would you like a single or double bag?
Me: SINGLE'S GREAT, THANKS.
Noah spoiler: 🐘🐘 🐒🐒 🐸🐸🐀🐀 🐫🐫 🐏🐏 🐗🐗 🐯🐯 🐖🐖 🐮🐮 🐢🐢 🐈🐈 🐇🐇 🐥🐥 🐛🐛 🐓🐓 🐞🐞 🐃🐃 🐩🐩 🐴🐴 🐹🐹 🐺🐺 🐭🐭 🐍🐍 🐻🐻 🐆🐆 🐐🐐 🐊🐊
"WE WERE ON A BREAK" --congRoss
I'm such a spontaneous person, I'll have a panic attack basically whenever.
Vidal Sassoon to be buried with extra body.
Y0u will never guess h0w many Super B0wl parties I was invited t0.
What did fat girls with really great personalities do prior to the internet?
Heidi Klum said to be divorcing Seal because she wants to date otter people.
When a guy waits 3 days to text me after a date, I like to wait another 3 days and then never text him back.
Dog the Bounty Hunter was cancelled after 8 seasons. That's like 56 seasons in Dog the Bounty Hunter years.
Wonder if the moon feels disgusting & worthless when it's full too.
Can't believe the American flag got 50 favs.
Writer for The Late Late Show with James Corden. Previously: MTV Movie Awards, Love You, Mean It with Whitney Cummings, Esther with Hot Chicks & JASH
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