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When is it time to get ill?
Me, Myself and iPhone
The truth comes out, when you're blacked out.
Twisted Sister Sledgehammer
Drinking in a bar that 8 years ago was the same building where I had my DUI classes. Circle of life.
Selling queso to sorority girls is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Coming down off a bender beside a pregnant hooker in the backseat of a stranger's car? We have a playlist by that very name!- Songza
Just confirmed 2 theories w/ this drink: 1. My headache DID go away 2. I AM an alcoholic.
Successfully put on skinny jeans after putting lotion on my legs. So I get it, people who have climbed Mt Everest.
"he's sittin on that stool like he's doing it a favor"
YESSSS! There Will Be More New Arrested Development http://www.vulture.com/2012/12/more-new-arrested-development.html … @vulture
PRO TIP: Unless she is crowning before your very eyes, never ask a woman if she's pregnant.
Max & Ermahgerd
Honey Boo Boo's mom has neck crust. Barf me to death.
Steve Harvey Oswald
Manic Monday Night Football
Don't worry, people who are too big of a critter for Walmart, there's still a place for you at The Dollar Tree.