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Him: May I buy you a drink?
Me: No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Him: Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?
Me: No, they spread.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Marriage is like a deck of cards...at the start all you need is two hearts and a diamond; by the end you wish for a big club and a spade....
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
If my dreams ever become reality, I won't be able to walk for a week.
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets leaving no clues. A spokesperson said, "We have nothing to go on."
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
Drunk people run stop signs; high people wait for them to turn green.
If at first you don't succeed, try pushing a different button.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
OMG her skirt is so short I can almost read her lips.
A Doctor that fixes broken websites is a URLologist.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly in school zones.
The entire Internet world is crying out for a sarcasm font...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have five fingers
and the middle's for you
Have a great day!
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Sometimes I feel like the car with a sticker that says "my other car is a porsche".
Just sittin' in the bushes, reading your tweets. Hoping to be allowed back in the house one day.