Just hit 300 followers. I screamed "THIS. IS. SPARTAAAA!" then kicked my dog through the fuckin' wall. He's okay, but my foot kinda hurts;(

Sometimes I like to stay in the shower until my fingers get all pruney and gross and then masturbate and pretend Grandpa is still alive :(

One of life's purest pleasures is watching a baby fall asleep. Also, uncut Colombian cocaine and anonymous rest stop bathroom sex.

Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back

Biggie just came on right after Tupac on my Pandora station. I thumbs-upped both of them, because I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKIN' TROUBLE PANDORA.

It's true you should never grocery shop hungry. Or on acid. This canteloupe agrees with me 100 percent.

My therapist says I have commitment issues, but I just spent 20 minutes opening a stubborn champagne bottle, so fuck you, Dr. Ferguson.

Girls who flash a sideways peace sign with a sultry glare at the camera when taking pictures: keep doing that, you're totally nailing it.

Whenever I enter a restroom at the same time as a handicapped person I ALWAYS take the big stall bc it's wrong to treat them differently.

The first thing I do when I get home is take off my bra. Not for the reason you think though. Oh you thought to breastfeed my dog? Then yes.

"I'm gonna pick the 5 shittiest shows on television and watch the fuck out of them." -my mom

Pretty much my only goal for myself is to never be a recent divorcée trying to convince everyone on Facebook how much I'm "lovin' life:)))"

There's a spider in my car and I can't kill it because I'm driving. Do I drive off a cliff now?

"I was driving and he pulled up next to me and yelled shit so I gave him my number and the rest is history" -no girl ever, so stop that guys

Why would I pay money to see the movie "Prom" when I could easily pick up a 17 y/o boy, buy us some Smirnoff Ice and go fuck in an orchard?

Guys, what should I do if my dog ate one of those little silica gel packets? And by "dog," I mean me. And by "ate," I mean snorted.

I've had 7 cups of coffee today. If anyone needs me I'll be ripping stop signs out of the ground and doing chin-ups on some power lines.

I'm a super nice person, but if you cross me.. I'll probably let you do it 3 or 4 more times before I implode from self-loathing.

There's no wrong way to eat a Reeses. Unless you're eating one while your dad is hittin' it from behind, cuz that's totally fucked up.

Homeless people:stop writing novels on your cardboard. I can't read it as I'm speeding by in my nice car w/ money spilling out of my wallet.