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"I continue to be sober and enjoy life. Sorry my friend went on so long about predatory homo aliens roosting on the telephone wires."
After filling out many property lists, I offer this advice: Never date a woman with a Kleenex full of half-dissolved pills in her purse.
Well, I never thought I'd live to see a turd on an X-ray table.
"You finally came drinking with us after work!"
"I had to. I've got a daughter at home with purple hair and my wife's fucking a patient."
When someone's depression starts to improve, they are at greater risk of suicide. It's also when they come up with their best jokes.
Example pet nut trick: a patient upstairs -institutionalized since age 6-now does a one minute speech on cue about the Louisiana Purchase.
It's slow, we're bored, so we've been shearing pennies in two with the funky snips they gave us to cut down patients hanging from the pipes.
We told the patients that if anybody needs the seclusion room, we will moonwalk them in tonight.
We made the ward klepto empty her bathrobe pockets. Five sets of dentures are on the nursing station counter, ready to be claimed.
"I need new shoes too."
"You got a pair last week."
"I know, but I use 'em to piss in at night when I don't wanna walk to the bathroom."
Until the 60's, patients were made to disclose a detailed history of their masturbatory habits. Now we just ask them to clean up afterwards.
Sure, we failed to respond in an appropriate time when the patient acted out, but who'd want to wrestle a naked man standing on a toilet?
"Any words of wisdom to share at the pinnacle of your career?", asked the manic, after deliberately puking on the nursing station counter.
"Gimme an example."
"Remember this? 'Contemplate suicide only by the most grisly method in a auditorium full of the people you love.'."
Like a bird of prey, Ashtray Eater just struck the nursing station. He blindsided us and swallowed at least 16 butts at once. With no water.
After the fireworks, a psychologist and a grad student threw punches. Nobody hates each other when they're wasted more than smart people.
I'm not a vampire. You don't have to address me as "Count". And no, I don't want to lick the menstrual blood off your finger.
"Given all our at-risk patients,why haven't we had one patient identified HIV+?"
"There are, but we thought if we told staff they'd quit."
A worker who had a poem published recently has taken to using the word "pederast" instead of "child molester" in her chart notes.
Poor psychology B.A.'s. They didn't tell you that dealing daily with mental illness is not as much fun as leafing through the DSM-IV?
Nuthouse fiction. I take liberties with truths you can't handle.