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I think Meryl Streep was in the car in front of me today!! http://t.co/OqWBFYGm
The longest part of my day is the time between when I ask someone how they are and the moment they give me an opening to talk about myself.
Is there an OKCupid specifically for people who don't give a fuck about traveling?
In a Romney America you have the option to choose whatever insurance, job or food you want. Pick two.
Most of my day is spent scanning my gchat list for the person who will care the most about the thing I want to complain about.
Fear of sending an email to the wrong person has been replaced by fear of Spotify telling Facebook I listen to Dashboard Confessional.
Being bummed that you finished your sandwich only to remember that you haven't even taken a bite of it yet must be what Heaven is.
Just know that in the history of time, someone is definitely going to toss bears with parachutes out of a plane as a war move.
I love listening to people talk about being on a diet because it reminds me that, somewhere out there, there's extra food for me.
The last time a Messiah got destroyed that bad we got a holiday where rabbits shit candy eggs. #Tebow
There is literally no emotional pain that America's Funniest Home Video can't cure.
The biggest lesson of adulthood so far is "Sign up for credit cards when companies still want you to."
How did a city run by a heartless billionaire in control of a brutal and unscrupulous police force go so wrong? #ows
A writer and comedian who can't help himself.
