I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.

Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

unpopular male stripper personas:
•retired cop
•Gold Rush historian
•home-brewing enthusiast
•mohel
•alcoholic football coach
•ventriloquist

At the stroke of midnight, Neil wept softly, cradling the sour cream as it expired.

"Here ya go, li'l buddy..." --Vin Diesel, putting a slice of pizza in a book. #VinDieselSunday

call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work

"Say goodbye to split ends forever!" --funny thing to say before shooting someone

"...Shoebox 35
...Matchbox 20
...Litterbox 14"
"WAIT, DUDE - GO BACK ONE!"

10 years ago we had Steve Shirt, Johnny Shoes, & Bob Service...

Sometimes I won't be thinking about cobras, and then I'm like, oh yeah, cobras.

IT'S 2013, AND IT'S HIGH TIME THAT WE, AS A SOCIETY, STARTED PUTTING HOES BEFORE BROS

Girl, you must be exhausted - 'cause you've been runnin' a successful small business in my head all night.

GOOD EVENING, DETROIT!
[applause]
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOIN' TONIGHT?!
[louder applause]
DO YOU GUYS LIKE ASPARAGUS?!
[deafening applause]

Fool me once, shame on u… Fool me twice, shame on ME… Fool me 3X, startin' 2 get mad… 4X, u DON'T wanna go there… 5X, ur on thin ice, chief…

Going into Taco Bell through the kitchen, like Henry Hill at the Copa

Two things about me:
1. I'd rather jerk-off the Hamburglar than eat a Big Mac.
2. I love Big Macs.

"You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! ...Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?"

When you get home this evening, surprise your family by kicking the door in.

Is it OK to read the Bible without a shirt on?