My superpower is making babies cry. That or I don't know what my superpower is but babies do and they don't like it.

Pretty sure that Supreme is actually a Spanish word that means "tomatoes and sour cream".

I'm only doing this Twitter thing part-time till my tetherball career takes off.

I wonder if every city in China has a place called "Super America Buffet".

When people favorite me but don't follow me I feel like that time that chick made out with me but wouldn't let me touch her boobs.

I seem to have alot of luck with women from mid-February to about mid-March then nothing. Apparently vaginas think I am the McRib.

Every time you type husband I read "house plant".

Dear ugly woman putting make-up on while operating a vehicle in heavy traffic, I just - I feel like this isn't worth the risk.

Girls always think I have a girlfriend. Can't I just be awesome at decorating? #haters

Did you know that Family Matters was a spin-off of the show Perfect Strangers. Also, few people want to have sex with me.

Your tweets are telling me no, but your body... your body is telling me also no.

Calm it the fuck down Little Caesars. You're the only one actually excited. The rest of us are high and poor.

I used to think I was fat. Turns out I just didn't live in Wisconsin yet.

I'm so drunk I just got my password right on the first try.

'Men in Black III' beat the 'Avengers' at the box office this week, proving that once again I just don't fucking understand this country.

My Match profile lists my religion as Hulkamaniac. So yeah, gettin' loads of strange. Constant flow.

"This would taste better with vodka in it." What I say about everything including things with vodka already in it and vodka.

You know what I miss? Guys demo-ing electric pianos at the Electric Piano store in the mall across from Waldenbooks.

Back in my day we didn't have computers you could take with you into the bathroom. We had to play Tetris on Gameboy while we pooped.

Seriously, there are somewhere between 9 and 47 parts of you I want to lick.