Gave my co-worker a wet willy in her vagina and now HR is helping me clean out my cubicle.

Pro Tip: When you go over a girls house for the first time and notice a Nintendo hooked up in her bedroom with no dust on it, you marry her.

Just finished reading Rosetta Stone's "How to speak Samuel L. Jackson". It's gonna be a interesting motherfucking night, motherfuckers!

When I get really stoned I go to the alarm clock on my phone and spin the numbers like it's that big wheel on The Price Is Right.

"The club can't even handle me right now!" - A drunk seal

Just saw some blue jean Huggies at Target. The baby who's picture was on the box had the cutest mullet I've ever seen in all my life.

If I fall in the shower and no one is around to hear it, am I still drunk?

The lyrics "The same black line that was drawn on you. Was drawn on me" is about 2 dudes waking up with sharpie dicks on their forehead.

My boss didn't like the idea of adding a coin operated horse to the break room, so fuck this place!

Is the clitoris inside those uncrackable pistachios?

If by multiple orgasms you mean sneezing and having the piss shivers at the same time, then yea, I totally just came like 18 times.

"Roll Tide" is what I scream at my girlfriend when I need some fucking laundry done.

Riot in Boulder, CO. Hope the cops know not to use bean bag guns. Hippies will think they're giving out free hacky sacks.

It doesn't matter how fucked up your day was when you flip that pillow for the first time and feel that cold after getting stoned in bed.

When I asked the hooker to donate to Locks of Love she had no idea she was gonna end up in the basement padlocked to a bed.

Marked "Barrel Racing" off of my bucket list this morning. It wasn't because I did it or anything, I'd just much rather race a keg of beer.

My penis is 17 inches in dog years.

You know what really grinds my gears? Letting some drunk girl who's never driven a stick before give me a ride home from the bar.

If homeless people had Facebook I bet they would post a lot of pictures of cheeseburgers and bitch about the heat.

Poured a fifth of Jameson in my Gatorade this morning, because you know, cross training and shit.