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I tell my 3 y/o that every time she breaks a rule, a kitten dies. I made a cute little chart where I cross out kitten faces to keep track.
Hell hath no fury like a woman for no particular reason.
Ok single fellas, Kate Gosselin said her kids are begging her to get married again. Anyone? Kate Gosselin. 8 kids. Huge bitch. Anybody?
If you ever see me in public, just know that I looked okay when I left the house and something must have happened.
Justin Bieber is my favorite Olsen twin.
"I'll sleep when I die" - person who doesn't really understand sleeping or dying.
"OYG" is the "OMG" for atheists (Oh Your God).
Can somebody please get Dora a longer shirt? Sick of seeing that bitch's skank-ass midriff.
Toddlers are the real home wreckers.
If jizz didn't mean jizz, I would use it like this, "Looks like you're really jizzing through work today, Sharon!"
Must be nice, people without crippling depression.
No pressure but we need to start making every tweet absolutely stellar you guys. Regionals is coming up.
Text your friend: "No matter what anyone is saying, I know ur a good person." Then don't respond for 3 days.
I haven't looked up from my phone since 2008.
A whore in the tweets but alone in the sheets :(
Just had a crazy dream that I poisoned my husband's coffee. It was actually a daydream. Actually it was a set of written plans I made.
Update: My 2 y/o has made almost a full recovery from her meltdown yesterday when I handed her the wrong sippy cup. Thanks for your prayers
Your soulmate is out there. Dead. You two almost met once but you were busy scarfing down an Egg McMuffin. Hard to say what might have been.
To be clear- we're all midgets, right? This is a social network for midgets? Don't tell me I've been in the wrong place all this time.
Those of you who are sincerely trying to get laid on here: how's that working out for you?
My tweets are not appropriate for children. Babies? Fine. Babies are idiots so they won't even know what any of this says. The @dalailama is my bitch.