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Where The Wild Things Are #NameYourVaginaAfterAMovie
I sometimes wonder if I truly lead the life Oprah intended for me.
Somedays, a new bedazzler and bottle of whiskey isn't enough.
Soup of the day: Whiskey.
HUMAN INTERACTION IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND SO AM I
I'm going to rock you like a hurricane. You know, leaving you childless and with a crippled economy.
I don't have a vision board. Instead, I just have the phrase "Don't screw up" in cheap lipstick over and over again in my bathroom mirror
I've done some deeply disgusting and horrific things for a Klondike Bar.
It's a good thing I'm not some socially awkward weirdo who's somewhat clever online. That would be awful...
I'm drinking scotch while blasting Miles Davis records and downloading Mad Men, in case anyone was questioning how painfully white I am.
If you ever feel bad about your life, just remember this: there are people on Craigslist that have missed connections listed at Arby's
As an incredibly vain gay man with a fat kid trapped inside me, I sure do love cupcakes.
I like to spend my Saturday nights practicing my awkward church hugs.
I'm putting together a sweet-ass "Mad Max" outfit for after the rapture. Now if only my Singer machine was good at sewing black leather...
Gonna spend Friday night watching John Candy films while pretending that I'm not slowly becoming my dad.
Which Jelly Belly flavour pairs best with the crushing realizations of adulthood?
I don't want a car, I want a unicorn.
Biting: it's like kissing, but with a winner.
Nobody judges you at the airport Chili's.