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If you shout out "Chad" at any gym, at least five guys in backwards baseball caps and tank tops will run over and spot your bench press
I sometimes wonder if I truly lead the life Oprah intended for me.
Somedays, a new bedazzler and bottle of whiskey isn't enough.
Soup of the day: Whiskey.
HUMAN INTERACTION IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND SO AM I
Sorry I kept on coughing on your baby at the anti-vaxxer rally.
I'm going to rock you like a hurricane. You know, leaving you childless and with a crippled economy.
I don't have a vision board. Instead, I just have the phrase "Don't screw up" in cheap lipstick over and over again in my bathroom mirror
I've done some deeply disgusting and horrific things for a Klondike Bar.
It's a good thing I'm not some socially awkward weirdo who's somewhat clever online. That would be awful...
My new hobby is hashtagging "Benevolent Colonialism" on pictures of my rich white friends holding small children in third world villages
I'm drinking scotch while blasting Miles Davis records and downloading Mad Men, in case anyone was questioning how painfully white I am.
If you ever feel bad about your life, just remember this: there are people on Craigslist that have missed connections listed at Arby's
As an incredibly vain gay man with a fat kid trapped inside me, I sure do love cupcakes.
I like to spend my Saturday nights practicing my awkward church hugs.
I'm putting together a sweet-ass "Mad Max" outfit for after the rapture. Now if only my Singer machine was good at sewing black leather...
I once owned a government issued tracksuit
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