Why didn't the guy who invented the term "blowjob" have a best friend who said "You know they actually suck it right?"

I grew up with 4 sisters and no brothers so I pretty much have my GED in menstruation.

Packers vs Bears sounds like a gay bar crawl.

I hope my genital warts spell out something nice for blind people.

Business people at happy hour look like an eharmony ad for adultery.

Writing my bucket list. At this moment I'm already gonna need like 23 different types of hooker.

When my wife has her period, I sympathetically wear tampons in my ears.

Adam Sandler really likes XXL t-shirts.

I love speed metal because I think Cookie Monster has a majestic voice.

I was a little put off finding my wifes vibrator until I realized I had it by an inch. Now I'm feeling kinda cocky.

My lovemaking style is best described as "sexual tantrum".

I have figured out that women that regret their past eyebrow trimming decisions tend to show a lot more cleavage.

Never pull out the bestiality porn on the first date.

I only watch porn online for the banner ads.

For every Charlie Sheen joke I DON'T hear from now until the end of time, I will donate $1 to a charity I just made up.

Any Oasis song is my tell-tale heart. I will destroy anything in my path to the stop button. Including relationships.

One day, I will get a 50 star tweet. On that day, I will finally rule this little world I live in by myself. And hand out orgasms like candy

Anything that reminds me of Teddy Ruxpin will haunt me for all my days.

My first erection was from a cartoon bunny in drag.

You can figure out pretty much everything about me by my taint. It's in braille.