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Sometimes I think this whole “Cat Stevens is a terrorist” thing is just a rumor started by Dog Stevens.
Judging by its name, I’m guessing the country “Chad” has a pretty sick lacrosse team.
I want my car alarm to be Green Day’s “Good Riddance” so the thief will just sit down and think about high school until the cops arrive.
I’m writing the sequel to “Waiting For Godot” called “Well, Look Who Decided To Show Up…”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck – get that cat in a talent show!
I have a little Russian in me - and there’s a smaller Russian in him, and a smaller Russian in him, and a smaller Russian in him…
So, you know those tweet-reading seats they have in bathrooms? I just pooped in one!
Can't afford to get a vasectomy so I'm just going to start chugging Mountain Dew and hope that kid in middle school was right.
Many Armenian people have “ian” as the last three letters of their name, for example, my friend “Mike the Armenian”
I love when a bunch of worms are break dancing and one of them jumps in and does the “self”.
My girlfriend and I love role playing as people who are still attracted to each other.
Do these #OWS protestors realize they are missing out on PERFECT yachting weather right now?
No, it’s fine – it's just that when I ordered the “wild salmon” I was hoping it would come out riding a motorcycle...
Just learned that Boston’s official city motto is “What are you looking at, homo?”
Extremely perfect
