If my mom doesn't get me vodka for my birthday this year I am going to stop using an alias in my porn.

There's nothing sexier than a woman that wants nothing to do with me.

As I get older, I find I am more comfortable with drinking alone.

Want a quick self-esteem-booster???... Measure your cock in Metric!

I'm going to teach my kid the rules of prison before I teach him the rules of society.

i feel bad for Chaz Bono... it can't be easy to re-learn masturbation.

When I win the Powerball, I am going to hide treasure & the map will be the veins in my cock... Have fun w/ that one Nick Cage.

"I'd fuck you." is the new "Be my Valentine?"... Right?

Can I still call it a 'coffee table' if more pills land on it than cups of coffee?

I like to defy death constantly. i.e., self-asphyxiation.

Eating an apple in a McDonald's parking lot feels eerily similar to smoking crack at a busy playground.

Thought I was just hungover but WebMD told me I had pinkeye & maybe herpes.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty bummed I missed out on that whole "Fur Trade" bubble.

I've been escorted out of more bake sales than I care to explain.

Tomorrow is never the loneliest day when you have a turtleneck collection as sick as mine.

Harry Potter would be much cooler if he smoked cigarettes.

My 'job' is jealous of my Twitter career.

'If you have an erection that lasts more than four hours'... Watch a Nancy Pelosi interview.

"I'm usually nicer on a first date." - Ways to make an awkward silence epic.

I listen to DMX at work for the sole purpose of reminding Karen in Accounting to check her shit before she steps.