Am I supposed to sleep after that? I'm ready to canvass the entire block in my pajamas.

My eyelashes are going gray. This is not an indignity that I expected.

How to not eat your weight in sugar cookies: don't bake your weight in sugar cookies.

I just got carded! For pseudoephedrine, but still!

Husband calling my various November projects under new name: NoSexNoMo

I really needed this long rainy day alone with the kids to reconnect after my trip. God, I can't even keep a straight face while typing this

I would kill to be Type A. Except that would be too aggressive. I would ask nicely to be Type A.

Imagine if Congress took, say, 20 1st graders being murdered as seriously as they take flight delays. How fast would we get gun legislation?

Related: What is the going rate for tipping a chimney sweep these days? A tuppence? Shilling? Surely not a half-crown?

In a texting fight with my husband. Is this how the young kids do it? My thumbs are tired.

Trying to explain to my husband that just because I have a vagina that doesn't mean I know the plot of Mamma Mia.

@jamilsmith @jaketapper Agreed. That wasn't tough questioning, it was just disrespectful.

My husband refuses to buy a rice cooker because, apparantly, he is on a mad quest to ruin every pan in this house.

You know what? Fuck school nights. I'm having another beer.

Chatting with my friend in China. She just had breakfast. BECAUSE WE LIVE ON A BALL.

Sure, I could lose weight. But first I have to go back in time and kill the inventor of shortbread.

Media, stop referring to PSU allegations as "sex scandal." Sex is what I have with my husband. Rape & molestation of children is not sex.

I don't often do serious tweets but I am *so* grateful for my awesome husband. And his gigantic penis.

My fetid, standing water brings all the birds to the yard.

A lot of thought goes into what I wear. Like "Did I see anyone yesterday?"