Told my psychiatrist I'm off the meds and on Twitter. She told me she's not my psychiatrist so I took my Big Mac and left.

Before making a bad decision it's always good to sleep on it. Not with it.

Besides building actual relationships, getting proper sleep and being more productive, I don't know what I'd do without Twitter.

Facebook is for people with babies, MySpace is for people with bands and Twitter is for people who can't afford therapy.

If I state in an email that there's an attachment expect the NEXT email to actually have the attachment attached.

1. Go to  http://gizoogle.net 
2. Type in your twitter handle
3. Read your tweets
4. lols for days

The best part about all my friends being in their 30s is that FUCK I HATE MY LIFE AND I WANNA DIE.

Everyone with a blog is a writer? That's like saying everyone with a face is a supermodel.

My boss just walked in and asked what I was doing. I thought my dick in my hand and the surprised look on my face said it all.

Dear today, I don't wanna.

By the way, I'm not like this because my dad never hugged me. He always hugged me after sex.

Just gave my Blackberry to a homeless guy. He had the good sense to give it right back.

Girls have faces? Whoa.

This happens. But mostly to dyslexic people.

If you don't laugh at yourself everyone else will.

I do some of my best sleeping five minutes after I was supposed to be up.

I'm going to find those cops who beat the Locnville brothers and point them in the direction of the Parlotones.

Why wear Ed Hardy when you could just retweet your #FF mentions?

Instagram makes people think they're photographers, blogs make people think they're writers and hashtags make people think they're funny.

Ever wonder how that little favourite star works here on twitter? Click it every time I say something and I'll explain later.