Some people are like clouds, once they fuck off, it’s a beautiful day.

I saw a billboard that said "Learn To Read."

I'm not sure that's the best way to reach their target demographic...

You're just a figment of my masturbation...

Quit bitching to him about his choices... You were one of them.

Spread your wings and try new things... But some people are not into that, so they just spread their legs.

The best part of having a prostitute die on you is the second hour is free.

If you're not choking on it, you're doing it wrong.

You know you have a true friend when they're sitting in jail telling you "I could have tripped you and ran, but I didn't... remember that."

Scary Movie V is a disappointment. The more they make parts of the movie, the worse it gets.

Damn, it was pretty hot today... I swear saw Satan riding his bike.

Ever looked in your fridge, over and over, hoping something good will magically appear?

Welcome to Twitter.

I know people on crack that make more sense than you do.

I would never take steroids. I'd do cocaine before I use that shit... People love to cheat themselves just to get muscular.

Where does swag come from? The deepest bowels of hell.

The yellow light on the traffic light only means that you need to hurry the fuck up and beat it.

I'm no cactus expert. But, I know a prick when I see one.

I want a fresh start on a lot of things...

I like how people freaked out when twitter had that minor dysfunction. I tell yah, if the terrorists attack twitter, it'll cripple America.

The fuck? I'm supposed to be asleep right now...

Fucking twitter.

#ThoughtsAfterTheCondomPopped "Welp, guess she's ending up in Teen Mom..."