Funny is just crazy in smaller doses.

Smile waning...
Laughter trickles to an echo...
A light is extinguished.
The suitcase stands empty.



It is yellow.

For what I could have paid $150 for in therapy, this margarita just fixed for only $6.

Turns out all this bulimic eating I've been doing isn't a disorder at all...


Just pregnancy.

Things I wonder about my imaginary Twitter friends: Are we certain that we are all on the right medications?

Dear Angelina,
Not all of us can be Diplomat Mother Of The Year Winners
Some of us settle for remembering to feed our families.

Crap. BRB

Our Wedding Anniversary fell on "Hump Day" this year.

Well played, Wednesday, well played.

There is nothing like morning sickness and false pregnancy tests to really piss a girl off.

Also: Chubby.

Telling someone about Favrd is like giving them their first joint and then later watching as their teeth rot out of their head from Meth.

There is nothing more expensive than a woman who is free for the night.

I have a finicky follower.
Follow. Unfollow. Follow. Unfollow.
He is starting to remind me of all of my ex-boyfriends.
I think I love him.

Nooners are the new 2 a.m. booty call.

I love when I am not funny on Twitter.

Reminds me of real life.

The potty training commences. Shit, I mean starts. No crap, I mean begins. Ah, piss! You know what I am getting at.

I just used the cover of my free copy of Twitter Wit to get a piece of food out of my tooth.

My writing career is clearly going places.

I am going golfing today. Bermuda shorts, visor and Polo shirt...a little something I like to call: Lesbian Chic.

Social Anxiety: Check. Awkward conversations: Check. Having your kid stink up the party with a poop the size of Montana: Priceless.

Just got sucked into watching an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Excuse me for a moment while I GO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE.

Her youth smelled of primrose and pavement. If it weren't for the unicycle, perhaps she might have attended the prom. No one loves a clown.

Duvet Covers are the condoms of bedding: Difficult to put on when in a hurry and by "hurry" I mean when you forgot & are about to go to bed.