If I had three hands I could take better pics of myself while I masturbate. But let's be honest--I'd just use three hands to masturbate.

You make me want to be a better person. By better, I mean sluttier, and by person, I mean whore.

After years of worrying if I'm smart, pretty, and thin enough, I finally decided I'm just enough for myself. If that's not enough, fuck you.

I'd consider permanent laser hair removal for my ladygarden, but then I'd be totally fucked if huge 70s bush ever came back into style.

It's hard getting ready for a sexy date sans panties cause my vagina keeps leaking down my leg.

I think I need a Twitter vacay...I just told a co-worker that my research "makes my panties wet." Couldn't think of another way to say it.

I'd rather be myself and end up sad and lonely than try to be someone I'm not and end up sad and lonely.

I need to apologize for insinuating earlier today I had rugburn on my ass. Rest assured that, as usual, I spend most of my time on my knees.

Friends will brag about sexual exploits. Good friends will describe them in graphic detail and send pics. Great friends will fuck you.

Isn't it funny how the pro-life and pro-gun crowd overlap? Maybe they'd change their minds if abortions were performed with shotguns.

Caught a glimpse of a girl, despondent and weary of the world. I felt pity. Then I flipped off my reflection and took a pic of my boobs.

I don't post a face pic as my avi because I don't want you to be able to identify me in real life until I stick my thumb up your ass.

My nipples are having one of those super-sensitive days. I can't decide if that means I should touch them less or touch them more.

When I'm lonely I print off your tweets, cut them off, use your avis as pasties, braid your words into a g-string, and dance seductively.

I involuntarily squeak when looking at tiny, cute, adorable creatures. Just hope it doesn't happen when I gaze at your penis.

These panties remind me of your lips and tongue, the way they crawl right up my ass.

Life would be simpler if there were more real villains and not just sad, confused people making bad decisions.

I'm in a hair pulling, nipple biting, ass slapping, neck grabbing, hard thrusting, bruise forming, deep grunting, scream inducing mood.

That look of shock people get when I tell them something about myself that rocks their world? I LIVE for that look.

I estimate that some part of my brain is thinking about sex ~95% of the time I'm conscious right now. #PleasedWithMyself