I learned how to open a beer bottle without using my wife's face today!

I have to use pillowcases as socks.

How many apples can I fit in my pants? Not a joke, I really want to know...

I built a goddamn cabin, in the goddamn woods.

I was tempted not to follow anyone, you know because I'm a leader and all.

I think my beard smells like 146 year old eggnog, sorry.

People are always calling me tall. For once I'd like someone to refer to me as hung.

The better part of one's life consists of his friendships

took 3 days off, i'll be on twitter a lot more now, okay i quit my job. whatever

I'll dream of spaceships tonight and maybe tomorrow I'll cut someone.

sometimes I throw a tweet on the wall just to see if it will stick.

I'm not standing on stilts, asshole!

i once saw a pig eat a bagel, i can't write this shit.

Looking for love in all the wrong places - I can't find my way out of these god-damn woods!

going to the mall is my vietnam

Has anyone ever seen a a 7 foot tall guy with a 3 inch penis?
do you want to?
Ladies??

I'm the fool that still holds it when it's hot.

took my wife out for dinner tonight, she thanked me with a blumpkin in the restaurants bathroom, shiiiiiitting!

locked out of the cabin means another night in the woods without toilet paper.

I just farted in a sock, what does that mean?