Jack and Diane deserved a bigger ditty.

You're either a blessing,

or a lesson.

Sorry I'm late. I've been slavishly agreeing with the stupid opinions of an attractive person.

Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible.

You are how you park your car.

A million dollar idea: Diapers for birds.

Of course I'll watch your dogs but you should know I own fifty-two tupperware bowls and three lids.

My 6-year-old has diarrhea for the 2nd day in a row, & I don't know what she's crying about cause bikini season is right around the corner.

Don't own a truck unless you're cool with a rectangle following you everywhere

Referring to another employee as a "gingeraffe"will land you in sensitivity training...no matter how tall and redheaded they are.

Comrades, it's time to get "Wake up in Thailand with a full beard" wasted.

Scientific Fact: it is impossible to love someone that doesn't drive you fucking insane.

You can put lipstick on your cat's butthole if you want to know if it sits on the kitchen counter when you're gone.

All my tweets are based on things I've actually done or seen or lies I tell.

When I wear a high performance running shirt with pajama pants it tells people I'm serious about running between the couch and refrigerator.

"We are old. Love is a Hoveround..."
-Pat Benatar

"I love Santa! Christmas sucks! Ugh this train is taking forever. Yaayy we're goin' to the North Pole!" - The BiPolar Express

Well, if I wasn't supposed to bring weed, you shouldn't have called it potluck.

Being a bitch doesn't mean you're tough; it just means you're a bitch.

I'm getting good at entertaining the same 20 people on Twitter every day like that guy who sings Oklahoma at karaoke every Friday night.