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Just texted my hubs: Thanks for giving me such a great life. You're the best.
His text back: How many beers have you had?
I'll bet I'm the only one in this grocery with "shit for tacos" on my shopping list.
I can't get my shit together to go grocery shop or clean. But to go drink on a patio all day? Oh yeah, I can get my shit together for that.
Just started to tweet the word "hopefully," and made a typo and wrote "Hopefukky," and now I feel like I've made a very important discovery.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
9yo: I'm running away!
Me: Cool. Take your little brother and your dad with you.
Time to either shave or shampoo my legs.
"Mommy & Me" swim class makes me want to punch most of the Mommies and several of the Mes.
Hey, Bob Costas. Why don't you use that two minutes to tell men to quit abusing and killing their wives?
Cashier at Target found it necessary to comment on every item I bought. Till she rang up the Astroglide. That shut her up.
When you have parents like mine, drinking feels like self-defense.
The people who unfollowed me after my joke about being drunk at my kid's birthday party have obviously never been to a kid's birthday party.
My husband just poured an entire bag of M&Ms into his mouth and can anyone watch my kids right quick, we need some alone time.
Hanging out with a group of girls always makes me wonder why I can't hang out with a group of guys instead.
I bet when Ozzy did Crazy Train, he was hoping that 30 years later a bunch of brats would sing it acapella in a shitty minivan commercial.
Day without the kids:
1) spend day reading in bed
2) pour Lysol around the doors just before hubs gets home
3) tell him I spent day cleaning
My toddler is watching Little Einsteins. My 8 y.o. says "I'll bet the real Einstein would be totally against this show."
The secret ingredient is Love.
Just kidding, the secret ingredient is shut the fuck up and eat it or go hungry.
Some dude called me an idiot and I starred it. Because I'm an idiot, sure. But I also have a sense of humor.
We all have our scars. That doesn't give you the right to be a dick. Fix your shit and get on with it.
Of all the folks you know, I'm probably among the awesomest.