Funniest thing about the garage burglary? Hearing my mom tell the police that a "bush trimmer" was one of the items stolen.

I should've set up an e-mail AutoReply that says, "I am here today but won't give a crap about your e-mail until Wednesday at the earliest."

You know it's bad when you put "cut toenails" on your To Do list.

Sometimes, when I'm singing along to Wham, I pause for a moment and wonder why I'm still single. Then I forget about it and keep on singing.

Is it wrong to picture someone showering in slow motion with "I Want Your Sex" playing in the background?

I fought the urge to whisper "This is a big fucking deal" into the speakerphone during my morning conference call.

"I can feel my heart beating in my head." --FYI. When I say this, it means that I am drunk.

Sign that your conference call is a waste of time...Someone asks ,"what is our goal anyway?" followed by complete silence.

When I die, please bury me with a bag of white chocolate kit kats.

Now in my 'stare intently at my monitor' phase of the work day.

@aurora00 Just remember... wearing tube tops is a privilege, not a right. @theironclad

http://t.co/6gFgQt8K

This #debate is going to end with Romney saying, "Yeah, well, YOU'RE FAT"

I'm planning all my summer trips around my menstrual cycle. The people I am visiting should be grateful.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you exchanged it for a Wii!

Every pro-life politician should adopt at least one orphan. #JustSayin

Walk into breakroom. IT guys go silent. I trip over my own feet. Leave breakroom. Hear IT guys whispering. Douchebags.

No crying at work!!! Fucking noodles.

Hey, when someone sends you an apology text, the least you can do is acknowledge by replying with "k."

I am my own Secret Santa.