Finally lost the baby weight! My baby is 156 months old.

My son's been sitting around with his helmet on for 3 innings like a Down's Syndrome kid

Another season of Little League. Another season of picking out the best kid on the team and pretending he's mine.

If you're trying to figure out if someone is Jewish, listen to how deeply they sigh.

My mother wants to know how to answer phone calls on her Words With Friends machine

The secret to happiness is giving up on looking good naked

I'm gonna end this tweet just like the Sopranos by

My dad just told me he accidentally drank my expressed breast milk 10 years ago & now I'm jealous of the person I was 5 minutes ago

The Mayans were wrong. Humanity died today.

Make sure you go to your happy place when someone starts telling you about their "journey"

ugh can't fit into my old genes

Roses are red, violets are purple you fucking moron

Selling Ambien. And by Ambien, I mean a loop of my father in-law talking.

"I don't care what you have to do, just make me look like John Candy" - - Chazz Bono to his MD

The masseuse rode me like Seabiscuit today. I think we placed 2nd but she was screaming in Korean so I'm not 100% sure.

Sorry I didn't follow you back so you unfollowed me but you are a Belieber.

I need a Shazam app for people I'm supposed to recognize but can't remember

On vacation. Can't wait to not poop for 7 days.

Really hope the next Pope is Jewish.

This Coffee House radio station totally sounds like decaf