I call my dick Prozac because only severely depressed women will put it inside them.

If there was twitter in the 90's I'd be all..

"Topanga... more like To-Bang-ya AM I RIGHT!"

...then I'd listen to Ace of Base for a week

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Can we just skip the relationship and go straight to permanent mental scars and I'll give you two hoodies.

Fuck you, vodka. Everyone knows you're just shitty potatoes.

Hahaha. Just kidding. I love you vodka. Now get in my belly.

I see dead people.

Well technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

I'm old enough to remember when "America's Got Talent" was "The Gong Show"

Guess the point I’m trying to make is none of us have the same exact taste in tweets.

And while mine may be questionable, it’s still mine.

There's nothing more beautiful than when a pregnant woman isn't me.

The most amazing people you’ll ever meet are the ones who had life rip their guts out, but can still find a way to laugh.

If Godsmack and Nickelback had a baby it would be GodsBack and all you Atheists would be in SOOOO MUCH TROUBLE.

I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

When I say "Anytime man, no problem." I really mean "Never again motherfucker, I hate you."

Sometimes I wear a hospital bracelet and cough uncontrollably in a crowded elevator.

Relationship Status - *Finds Remote

Top 5 Reasons To Live:
1) puppies
2) baby dogs
3) 1 & 2
4) did you read 3?
5) you should've stopped at 1
6) other things
7) it's a top 7 now

Why wish a long and agonizing death on someone when they could have a longer and more agonizing life instead?

I wish there were more cage matches where celebrities and reality show losers would fight to the death.

The closest I've come to being in a fight was when I accidentally kneed myself in the face

I hope someday I can lose as many followers as you, Jesus.