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Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I'll look even worse.
There's nothing like coming home to where I grew up to make me feel happy I moved away.
Sometimes its nice not to be in the driver's seat, and other times your 16 yo daughter is driving and you're too scared to open your eyes.
I'd tap that.
*winks at keg*
Salesman: Can I help you find something?
*points to your avi on my phone*
I got a new phone and lost all of my drafts.
Okay, a couple of drafts.
Fine, 2 words I put in there last year but it was gonna be great.
If you don't love something, you should also set it free.
I've been trying to kick a bad habit, but he keeps getting away.
I'm awake but I could easily go back to sleep for 2 or 3 days.
I'm pretty much over this whole "being human" thing.
The best part of planning all the stuff you're going to do when you have time off work is not doing any of it.
Hate is such a strong word.
*Hate flexes for a selfie*
Sometimes I can't even get my own bra unhooked fast enough, so I get it Fumble Fingers, I get it.
Just saw a man spanking his kids, so being the good person I am, I tried to help. Oh stop, I didn't spank them, I just held them down.
Being awake this early means I'm either really drunk or really stupid and I'm not really drunk.
Any bed can be your death bed if you stay in it long enough.
But if I die tomorrow, who will be there to tell my kids, "I told you so"?
They say you can't keep a good man down but these shackles and chains say otherwise.
•Accumulate a house full of shit I don't want or will never use. √
*sets pizza in chair next to me so no one sits there*
I wrote a funny tweet once.
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