Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
If you don't say "fuck this day" at least once every day, congratulations! You win at life, asshole.
Come to the dark side!
-and bring a flashlight. I can't find my beer.
I'm a genius in disguise.
It's the little things, like when the remote stops working, that I suddenly remember why I had kids.
Its good to know I can count on you never.
*finally does something right*
My life's work consists mostly of just maintaining a buzz.
My patience level is at an all time fuck you.
I didn't have enough closet space so I bought a treadmill.
Kids say the dumbest things, like "Mom, have you been drinking again?"
Just waiting to hear those three special words... "there's no evidence."
To make a long story short, may he rest in pieces.
My favorite part of cooking dinner is when the delivery guy shows up.
I'm white, but not "chase a tornado" white.
DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY HANDS ON MY HIPS RIGHT NOW!
Getting blocked by people I never knew existed is my super power.
When he runs his fingers through my hair, and gently touches my face, all I can think is...DID HE EVEN WASH HIS HANDS?!
Who are all you people and how did you get in my Twitter?
My big life question is: WHY THE HELL AM I SOBER RIGHT NOW???