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  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Any bed can be your death bed if you stay in it long enough.

    • 190
    • FAVS
    jben505Beeda4dougmc48_dougjedivettech33hennesassyshireenmahomed6Eohizabeemerrr
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    _littlebrittneycoollswickOmniaticFluidM_Gilderkeithmoon413SammieDazloudandproud12sSmooches3468
    stockejock
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    But if I die tomorrow, who will be there to tell my kids, "I told you so"?

    • 299
    • FAVS
    geaux2girlSureshMKothariMelvinofYorkJust4funsa2loony1blaha_Whobeersudsloribuckmajor
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    SureshMKothariJust4funsablaha_WholoribuckmajorAJslackiejake_lachKateWhineHallwhynotgrl666
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    They say you can't keep a good man down but these shackles and chains say otherwise.

    • 363
    • FAVS
    esinreich2loony1AJslackieFattMernandezSSparklesDailyEllechemyFickle_Fillyevequickly
    • 200
    • RETWEETS
    2loony1evildadatronAJslackie_troyjohnsonShaynaDominaFickle_FillyPapa_MexSukaBlunt
    _troyjohnsonDontTouchMyWineT_Bonezzz
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Life goals:
    •Accumulate a house full of shit I don't want or will never use. √
    •Die.

    • 442
    • FAVS
    2loony1peterajacksonTw1tter_K1ttenevildadatronCicatrix13AJslackiebeautiful_bassFickle_Filly
    • 216
    • RETWEETS
    evildadatronAJslackieJoyceSabalialbywizzyPapa_Mexlasvegan9908envydatropicrmn1024
    thatdutchperson
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    *sets pizza in chair next to me so no one sits there*

    • 382
    • FAVS
    zolofighter2loony1AJslackieNickwl81heroinsdemisealbywizzyFickle_Fillytwittini
    • 188
    • RETWEETS
    zolofighter2loony1AJslackieSSparklesDailyenvydatropicsilvertongue37SuitableHolmeslama_khd
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    You can trust me. Probably.

    • 363
    • FAVS
    2loony1cassiopea__CelebrityChezFickle_FillyPapa_MexBeagirlNJelectric_jam_vivalacrap
    • 221
    • RETWEETS
    TossibossPapa_MexPrincessDoom1itshotterhereCandelariag4141RTRajaaItsAnnieHunnyVodkaTiem
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    What they don't tell you, is that stop, drop, and roll is also highly effective when someone asks a question you don't want to answer.

    • 840
    • FAVS
    Cheeseboy222loony1itsme_mansSineadG67Fickle_FillySukaBlunttwittinienvydatropic
    • 593
    • RETWEETS
    2loony1itsme_mansSineadG67beautiful_bassSukaBluntLoud_dogdreadnaught69envydatropic
    SeanEmenyshegotagronkHormonella
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    The thing I look most forward to in life is having empty nest syndrome.

    • 559
    • FAVS
    albywizzyFickle_FillyHiddleDeeDeecopsyf8_angieSamiam556charliedelta7DokUrtybitzi_wasnt_looking
    • 273
    • RETWEETS
    albywizzyenvydatropicSamiam556Smooheedcharliedelta7i_wasnt_lookingBackrowSeatsFaaduuTweets
    blondecalamity
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    *mass murders all the speakers already playing holiday music*

    • 273
    • FAVS
    albywizzyBeagirlNJCAITBBKFvivalacrapSabotagedSmokeSamiam556charliedelta7huskies5876
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    albywizzyenvydatropicSabotagedSmokeSamiam556GrumpyBahrMentalDV8TlaxBoy05minnie_in_pink7
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Fashion tip: Try wearing something that doesn't draw attention to your flaws. Ya know, like a body bag.

    • 587
    • FAVS
    albywizzyrebelyn324Babu125_richforriSamiam556ms73charliedelta7ActionJacksonHD
    • 345
    • RETWEETS
    albywizzyenvydatropicrichforriSamiam556charliedelta7KissabiXgovtdudethejacquio
    VodkantotsthetobbieDontTouchMyWine
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Sometimes two people just don't want the same things. Like he wants to spend all his time with me and I want him to die in a fire.

    • 708
    • FAVS
    stephybaby1024DesikurixoFickle_Fillytwittinicas511Buck_Ministerrichforrikaundiniya
    • 382
    • RETWEETS
    envydatropicElMexicanZombierichforriSamiam556XOSchitzoi_wasnt_lookingShaistaJustinGrumpyBahr
    LuckoftheDraw86
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Looks like one of my new born kittens has been eaten by its mother.

    Wish I'd thought of that when I had kids.

    • 362
    • FAVS
    loribuckmajoralbywizzyFickle_Fillytwittinicas511Samiam556innocent_bitch_DaleInc
    • 165
    • RETWEETS
    KatziothoalbywizzyenvydatropicSamiam556DaleIncMentalDV8scottbeairstoarcherenemy
    AlexvanBeek
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Like any responsible adult, I write my name and phone number on all the labels of my beer bottles in case one gets lost or stolen.

    • 376
    • FAVS
    cas511loribuckmajoralli_winBwanaChrisalbywizzystephybaby1024twittiniSamiam556
    • 184
    • RETWEETS
    cas511alli_winalbywizzyeclecticinfideldreadnaught69envydatropicSamiam556DaleInc
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    "Man, you're just and accident waiting to happen"
    -What?
    *pushes him downstairs*
    "OOPS"

    • 347
    • FAVS
    BrittsbaeFudgeRobotalbywizzyrebelyn324BeagirlNJSamiam556XOSchitzobobw1o
    • 172
    • RETWEETS
    Brittsbaealbywizzylasvegan9908BeagirlNJAmit_raja12envydatropici_wasnt_lookingsahidaisy
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    He said I'd be the death of him, and for once... he was right.

    • 424
    • FAVS
    rebelyn324JonnietherottenXOSchitzoMentalDV8raachKKJimboleemDonSchankeDosieDoe
    • 239
    • RETWEETS
    ktea11Samiam556XOSchitzoMentalDV8Carter_TCBT_Bonezzzs_cLaN07vexroid
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    If hearts were made to be broken then so were faces.

    • 580
    • FAVS
    albywizzystephybaby1024Babu125_BIueSunshinepotus50betteandtinaattackteam1Riseaboveit38
    • 294
    • RETWEETS
    albywizzyattackteam1JonnietherottenSamiam556XOSchitzoMentalDV8raachKKT_Bonezzz
    candace_9871HumorParasite
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Liquor that looks like water is why I have trust issues.

    • 583
    • FAVS
    Simjayjack_the_poethitgirl516bibble_babble2THATcalichickkcharliedelta7sirstefanabhorrent_wife
    • 320
    • RETWEETS
    charliedelta7_iCUNT_abhorrent_wifeSal0630Samiam556MissShinywingsUncleBob56MentalDV8
    paulablu22M3lissaMcDonald
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    I Know What You Did Last Summer:
    *pulls up your Twitter page*

    • 445
    • FAVS
    JSLauderdalealbywizzyrebelyn324Fickle_FillySerialFuckupBeagirlNJReginaldDennysTayaAtt78
    • 221
    • RETWEETS
    JSLauderdalealbywizzyktea11rebelyn324luvcalvin9Samiam556NutellaVMentalDV8
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    I have had a few bullshit jobs in my life, but parenting has got to be the bullshittiest of them all. I want a raise.

    • 475
    • FAVS
    Samiam556Creamed_potatoMentalDV8sanityinabottleheartme247B_ShaftoeBigdaddymriaddihatesamish
    • 204
    • RETWEETS
    Samiam556Creamed_potatoMentalDV8Julius__PringlemickybloreaveuaskewJonnyKoolerfsuflores
    CherBear162
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Let's grow mold together...
    -all the food in my fridge

    • 483
    • FAVS
    SSparklesDailykcMcCowgirlalbywizzySerialFuckupBeagirlNJvivalacrapSamiam556SabotagedSmoke
    • 239
    • RETWEETS
    ayushagarwalagrTossibossYvonne_Ennovy1albywizzySamiam556CiJiShaeSabotagedSmokeJackieluvsUK
    SamuelHLowe
@Lisa_Laughs_

@Lisa_Laughs_
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I wrote a funny tweet once.

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