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You have one of those faces not even your mother can love.
I'm investing my life savings in a liquor store.
One bottle at a time.
Okay, sometimes two.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE BROKEN!
-um those are beer bottles...
THEY'RE STILL BROKEN!
If you don't say "fuck this day" at least once every day, congratulations! You win at life, asshole.
Come to the dark side!
-and bring a flashlight. I can't find my beer.
I'm a genius in disguise.
It's the little things, like when the remote stops working, that I suddenly remember why I had kids.
Its good to know I can count on you never.
*finally does something right*
My life's work consists mostly of just maintaining a buzz.
My patience level is at an all time fuck you.
I didn't have enough closet space so I bought a treadmill.
Kids say the dumbest things, like "Mom, have you been drinking again?"
Just waiting to hear those three special words... "there's no evidence."
To make a long story short, may he rest in pieces.
My favorite part of cooking dinner is when the delivery guy shows up.
I'm white, but not "chase a tornado" white.
DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY HANDS ON MY HIPS RIGHT NOW!
Getting blocked by people I never knew existed is my super power.