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But if I die tomorrow, who will be there to tell my kids, "I told you so"?
They say you can't keep a good man down but these shackles and chains say otherwise.
•Accumulate a house full of shit I don't want or will never use. √
*sets pizza in chair next to me so no one sits there*
You can trust me. Probably.
What they don't tell you, is that stop, drop, and roll is also highly effective when someone asks a question you don't want to answer.
The thing I look most forward to in life is having empty nest syndrome.
*mass murders all the speakers already playing holiday music*
Fashion tip: Try wearing something that doesn't draw attention to your flaws. Ya know, like a body bag.
Sometimes two people just don't want the same things. Like he wants to spend all his time with me and I want him to die in a fire.
Looks like one of my new born kittens has been eaten by its mother.
Wish I'd thought of that when I had kids.
Like any responsible adult, I write my name and phone number on all the labels of my beer bottles in case one gets lost or stolen.
"Man, you're just and accident waiting to happen"
*pushes him downstairs*
He said I'd be the death of him, and for once... he was right.
If hearts were made to be broken then so were faces.
Liquor that looks like water is why I have trust issues.
I Know What You Did Last Summer:
*pulls up your Twitter page*
I have had a few bullshit jobs in my life, but parenting has got to be the bullshittiest of them all. I want a raise.
Let's grow mold together...
-all the food in my fridge
First day of emoji rehab...
-How do you feel?
-HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!
I wrote a funny tweet once.
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