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You know what I like about you? No? Yeah, me either.
DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER SHUT UP?!?!
No? Okay, continue...
LOL at couples that have to "ask permission" to do something!
*asks cat if I can get up*
Daughter 1: YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE!
Daughter 2: YO MAMA!
Me: HAHAHA SHE CALLED YOUR MOM A.....
HEYYYYY! YOU'RE BOTH GROUNDED!
I had pizza for lunch and I didn't even tell anyone about it. Oh wait.
Flowers are a great Valentine's gift because you can watch them die as fast as your relationship.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*brushes teeth with toes just to have something to tweet about*
I would like to take a minute to thank all of you for being with me through this difficult time. Being bored at work is hard.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
This joke format is just a regular joke format but even more overused.
Cop: Did that guy smell like weed?
Me: Its probably me.
Cop: That's ok then. Everyone needs to relax.
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?
Cop: Come with me
Bro hard or bro home, bro.
Me: I can't work today.
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Why wait? Beat the rush and break up with your Valentine today!
I just said 'OMG' out loud and this would be my suicide note but I've decided to kill my daughters instead.
Every breath you take...
...is one too many.
Knock that shit off.
Sometimes I just have to lay back and admire how really good I am at fucking things up.