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The best part of planning all the stuff you're going to do when you have time off work is not doing any of it.
Hate is such a strong word.
*Hate flexes for a selfie*
Sometimes I can't even get my own bra unhooked fast enough, so I get it Fumble Fingers, I get it.
Just saw a man spanking his kids, so being the good person I am, I tried to help. Oh stop, I didn't spank them, I just held them down.
Being awake this early means I'm either really drunk or really stupid and I'm not really drunk.
Any bed can be your death bed if you stay in it long enough.
But if I die tomorrow, who will be there to tell my kids, "I told you so"?
They say you can't keep a good man down but these shackles and chains say otherwise.
•Accumulate a house full of shit I don't want or will never use. √
*sets pizza in chair next to me so no one sits there*
You can trust me. Probably.
What they don't tell you, is that stop, drop, and roll is also highly effective when someone asks a question you don't want to answer.
The thing I look most forward to in life is having empty nest syndrome.
Fashion tip: Try wearing something that doesn't draw attention to your flaws. Ya know, like a body bag.
Sometimes two people just don't want the same things. Like he wants to spend all his time with me and I want him to die in a fire.
Looks like one of my new born kittens has been eaten by its mother.
Wish I'd thought of that when I had kids.
Like any responsible adult, I write my name and phone number on all the labels of my beer bottles in case one gets lost or stolen.
"Man, you're just and accident waiting to happen"
*pushes him downstairs*
I wrote a funny tweet once.
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