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Guy at bar: I haven't even had a drink in 3 days.
Rest of bar: Whooooa
Her: OMG! Mom, I'm gonna die!
Me: Oh good. One less mouth to feed.
Her: I'm serious!
Me: Me too. Can I have your pizza?
When I say I'm about to snap I mean someone's neck.
If you want something done right, make sure to hire a professional before you go and fuck it all up.
Boss: We need to spend every waking moment resolving this issue.
Me: So, I should definitely take more naps.
Hey guys, do yourself a favor and say you're sorry before you give her the sex. It won't seem so bad that way. You're welcome.
SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!
A hangover is just your body's way of telling you that you should never stop drinking.
I could sweep anyone off their feet, but the last time I did, I pulled a muscle so no thanks.
I think we need to see other people. -Your phone's camera, probably.
Saying "are we there yet?" in a car isn't so bad unless its when you're having sex in it.
Her: I'm not the same girl I used to be.
Me: 67 cosmetic surgeries really changes a person.
Me: Oh, and counseling.
You know what I like about you? No? Yeah, me either.
DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER SHUT UP?!?!
No? Okay, continue...
LOL at couples that have to "ask permission" to do something!
*asks cat if I can get up*
Daughter 1: YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE!
Daughter 2: YO MAMA!
Me: HAHAHA SHE CALLED YOUR MOM A.....
HEYYYYY! YOU'RE BOTH GROUNDED!
I had pizza for lunch and I didn't even tell anyone about it. Oh wait.
Flowers are a great Valentine's gift because you can watch them die as fast as your relationship.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*brushes teeth with toes just to have something to tweet about*