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  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Guy at bar: I haven't even had a drink in 3 days.
    Rest of bar: Whooooa

    • 64
    • FAVS
    ReeseButCallMeVThe0nlychkDunn_Right78GriffinAGStr8upNinjaFRANKSTALICIOUSrenee_cavanaughCletusHammer
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    78GriffinAGStr8upNinjaCletusHammerReko420AlexvanBeekBuck852DBwiddaDBHarbinger_one
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Her: OMG! Mom, I'm gonna die!
    Me: Oh good. One less mouth to feed.
    Her: I'm serious!
    Me: Me too. Can I have your pizza?

    • 98
    • FAVS
    JeanM617The0nlychkDunn_RighthipchkkTheBoydPAGStr8upNinjalunchbox_23LadyVodkax
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    ashleysisk6Dunn_RightTheBoydPAGStr8upNinjatheGingercornFrankieCarbone2xplodingbananaPoncetDavid
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    When I say I'm about to snap I mean someone's neck.

    • 194
    • FAVS
    sass_slingergracecastr0The0nlychkDunn_RightTheBoydPTribalSpaceCatSelaSmellamattmanic
    • 94
    • RETWEETS
    sass_slingerThe0nlychkDunn_RightTheBoydPyouandinunisonShannonSaidThatthejessbessIvannaViciousss
    scottthetwat2loony1
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    If you want something done right, make sure to hire a professional before you go and fuck it all up.

    • 121
    • FAVS
    bluesman128Dunn_RightTheBoydPsophiehayward88SephCtheGingercornPoncetDavidJerynnNicole
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    TheBoydPtheGingercornPoncetDavidLissabeanzdiscgolf195sereli1Erroneous404AlexvanBeek
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Boss: We need to spend every waking moment resolving this issue.
    Me: So, I should definitely take more naps.
    Boss: ...

    • 138
    • FAVS
    Dunn_RightJerynnNicoleReverend_ScottTimmyPumpkinMarcusOreallyMcAssholesmonica_edenscottthetwat
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    scottthetwatclose_c2loony1Vodkantotswerdy80daemonic3Jay_FrickinLynnEdHernandez922
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Hey guys, do yourself a favor and say you're sorry before you give her the sex. It won't seem so bad that way. You're welcome.

    • 189
    • FAVS
    catebabyDunn_RightericsshadowReverend_ScottTimmyPumpkinMarcusOreallyclose_cRefractReality
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    Dunn_Rightclose_cS00NERBREDDontTouchMyWineHungoverLawyerVodkantotsJay_FrickinLynnImApRoUkNo
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    *sneeze*
    Bless you
    *sneeze*
    Bless you
    *sneeze*
    SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!

    • 279
    • FAVS
    JimCorrigan_MorethanamazingSwagg_TeennJDSelmserCarmelLips14369gwatts77Jeffey8424Reverend_Scott
    • 132
    • RETWEETS
    StoneWhiteLineshollyspintarranbrittanymega_chickIAmOceanikaTink_tink25CarmelLips14369mbwenu_nyowe
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    A hangover is just your body's way of telling you that you should never stop drinking.

    • 556
    • FAVS
    CletusHammerHormonellajosh_b42ndiquotemoose_chocolateTimmyPumpkinMCaparco72331bbd4ab54a2
    • 359
    • RETWEETS
    CletusHammersabrinadavies1gibbetmoose_chocolateMCaparcoMarcusOreallyclose_cRyansGooch
    Reverend_Scott
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    I could sweep anyone off their feet, but the last time I did, I pulled a muscle so no thanks.

    • 314
    • FAVS
    CletusHammerReverend_ScottTimmyPumpkinMarcusOreallydarkshadow13close_cRefractRealityRyansGooch
    • 171
    • RETWEETS
    MaramtarekkJumanaAbdallahNotSoPsychicCletusHammerclose_cS00NERBREDJay_FrickinLynnRafflesWord
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    I think we need to see other people. -Your phone's camera, probably.

    • 609
    • FAVS
    Zwolf666therealQueenB86CletusHammerCasshole01Erik_AllenrickfowlerKori_Okielinalor
    • 384
    • RETWEETS
    therealQueenB86CletusHammerstallynduckJaneeeeeeeenharrishbkchemicalkissessarrahlouiseCubanaMama82
    mattchew81
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Saying "are we there yet?" in a car isn't so bad unless its when you're having sex in it.

    • 478
    • FAVS
    Dustin_199TattleTSisterReverend_Scottclose_cRyansGoochSTaeechdarkshadow13MEESTERIDLE
    • 232
    • RETWEETS
    TattleTSisterCletusHammerclose_cdaemonic3spuddydave10Jay_FrickinLynnDukEB51Eightinchgoat
    CYComedy
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Her: I'm not the same girl I used to be.

    Me: 67 cosmetic surgeries really changes a person.

    Her: ...

    Me: Oh, and counseling.

    • 314
    • FAVS
    RyansGoochdbotnixJay_FrickinLynnTheTalkingPipejake_likes_napsRadOrDielllvvvzzzSPNNlogic
    • 122
    • RETWEETS
    spuddydave10Jay_FrickinLynnlllvvvzzzFuckPickingNameCrazzzyKenImJESSPlayinGrumpyBahrsbellamia
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    You know what I like about you? No? Yeah, me either.

    • 494
    • FAVS
    Reverend_ScottRyansGoochbeardedshit81daniel_shawPetoteEightinchgoatTheTalkingPipejake_likes_naps
    • 320
    • RETWEETS
    Eightinchgoatlllvvvzzzdedy0545ImJESSPlayinArhy_TectGrillinChillin9sfcpyroAniaHalaseh
    DontTouchMyWine
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER SHUT UP?!?!
    No? Okay, continue...

    • 367
    • FAVS
    Reverend_ScottRyansGoochTheTalkingPipeRadOrDielllvvvzzzArroia_Ms_Moneypenny_vinfury
    • 150
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzz1_0_BabaGrumpyBahrminnie_in_pink7idigcrazychicsd2BMcGStabby_smurf_BlueEyed_Devil
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    LOL at couples that have to "ask permission" to do something!
    *asks cat if I can get up*

    • 907
    • FAVS
    Reverend_ScottRyansGoochMaryamChafickDiveInsideMindsTheAmazingLibraNecropedophile3The_MartiniGirlrandomchkk
    • 503
    • RETWEETS
    TheAmazingLibrahudaFahmyxHadeelliooYousraelabbasyItsMissHerNecropedophile32happyrightrandomchkk
    SteveSuckingtonReeseButCallMeVmkpaulsenWoodyLuvsCoffeedinokitten
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Daughter 1: YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE!
    Daughter 2: YO MAMA!
    Me: HAHAHA SHE CALLED YOUR MOM A.....

    HEYYYYY! YOU'RE BOTH GROUNDED!

    • 407
    • FAVS
    Reverend_ScottTimmyPumpkinRyansGoochlllvvvzzz_Ms_Moneypenny_ginnyrusseBY1959GrumpyBahr
    • 142
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzBY1959GrumpyBahridigcrazychicsd2BMcGMasterOfFurymichaelmtz211TheAlexNevil
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    I had pizza for lunch and I didn't even tell anyone about it. Oh wait.

    • 384
    • FAVS
    TimmyPumpkinjake_likes_napslllvvvzzz_Ms_Moneypenny_vinfuryun1xphyscowhiskey_teacupopenchakra
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzwhiskey_teacupsbellamia_whatever88idigcrazychicssweetg35treydaywayd2BMcG
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    Flowers are a great Valentine's gift because you can watch them die as fast as your relationship.

    • 614
    • FAVS
    squiblingReverend_ScottTimmyPumpkinjake_likes_naps2happyrightlllvvvzzzSPNNlogicvinfury
    • 283
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzemceejdavromegad2BMcGFresherBoy512tym_lynnemrtruthandsoulCYComedy
    EricGoldie65_electraglide
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

    • 713
    • FAVS
    flash_shireenWildeThingydilanhassanpourReverend_ScottEddDolorosoTimmyPumpkinbeardedshit81HungoverLawyer
    • 433
    • RETWEETS
    flash_shireenharrishbkTimmyPumpkindinora_25HungoverLawyerDukEB51Eightinchgoatlllvvvzzz
    FeelingMervisCpin42_whatever88TeflonPawnthedayofthedotStupidSophia_
  • Lisa_Laughs_
      @sshole @Lisa_Laughs_

    *brushes teeth with toes just to have something to tweet about*

    • 393
    • FAVS
    TimmyPumpkinbeardedshit81LeslieAMLfarkederm_iCountMackulaDukEB51daniel_shawEightinchgoat
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    CountMackulaDukEB51EightinchgoatlllvvvzzzMasterOfFuryd2BMcGCYComedyParentpains
    fastmofobansheeuseful_wagon
@Lisa_Laughs_

@Lisa_Laughs_
Pro

I wrote a funny tweet once.