Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
My level of 'I don't give a fuck' is somewhere between an 8 and this guy wearing Tinker Bell pajama bottoms in this bar.
Whenever I hear Christmas music, it makes me feel like dancing...right off a cliff.
Hospitals are great because when you suddenly die of boredom you're already there.
Oh me? Just reaping the rewards of a lifetime of bad decision making.
*bangs head on wall
*bangs head again
I would never kill someone in their sleep.
You don't get to hear them scream that way.
The greatest trick your mom ever pulled was...your dad. What I'm saying is, your mom's a whore.
You can't really force a tweet about sperm, it has to just flow naturally.
So, is 14 years too late to get a refund from the sperm bank? Please say no.
My favorite part of the date is when I'm finished digging the shallow grave.
As soon as I knocked on heaven's door the place went dark and a 'SORRY WE'RE CLOSED' sign appeared in the window. :(
Its not just a 12 pack a beer. Its a 12 pack of happiness.
I'd love to go shopping with you but I have this weird condition that if I'm in the grocery store too long my head explodes.
My reality show is just me yelling at my cat "WHERE THE FUCK
DID I PUT IT?"
In my defense, your honor, the whole building was already decorated for Christmas and that's why I set it on fire.
A smart person would just design a house with the washer and dryer in the bedroom.
This girl's shirt says:
CAUTION: I AM ALLERGIC TO NEGATIVE PEOPLE-
so I positively punched her in the face.
I don't know what's sadder. Being home on Friday night or being completely fucking excited about being home on Friday night.
*Closing Time plays as the members of Semisonic are demanding another drink while being thrown out of their local dive*
Me: No, thanks. I'll just wait here.
Life: Okay, suit yourself.
I had a nice long talk with my dog and he decided that I need a muzzle.
I'm the type of girl that's not really any type of girl.