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Hey guys, do yourself a favor and say you're sorry before you give her the sex. It won't seem so bad that way. You're welcome.
SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!
A hangover is just your body's way of telling you that you should never stop drinking.
I could sweep anyone off their feet, but the last time I did, I pulled a muscle so no thanks.
I think we need to see other people. -Your phone's camera, probably.
Saying "are we there yet?" in a car isn't so bad unless its when you're having sex in it.
Her: I'm not the same girl I used to be.
Me: 67 cosmetic surgeries really changes a person.
Me: Oh, and counseling.
You know what I like about you? No? Yeah, me either.
DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER SHUT UP?!?!
No? Okay, continue...
LOL at couples that have to "ask permission" to do something!
*asks cat if I can get up*
Daughter 1: YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE!
Daughter 2: YO MAMA!
Me: HAHAHA SHE CALLED YOUR MOM A.....
HEYYYYY! YOU'RE BOTH GROUNDED!
I had pizza for lunch and I didn't even tell anyone about it. Oh wait.
Flowers are a great Valentine's gift because you can watch them die as fast as your relationship.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*brushes teeth with toes just to have something to tweet about*
I would like to take a minute to thank all of you for being with me through this difficult time. Being bored at work is hard.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
This joke format is just a regular joke format but even more overused.
Cop: Did that guy smell like weed?
Me: Its probably me.
Cop: That's ok then. Everyone needs to relax.
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?
Cop: Come with me
Bro hard or bro home, bro.