I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.

"Why can't I get wifi underwater?" - Lisa, 38 years old, San Francisco.

"Why can't I drink clean water?" - Kwame, 6 year old, Africa.

The dinosaurs died for our sins.

Select all. Delete history. Allow yourself to be loved again.

I'm always conservative on a first date. Dinner, kiss on the cheek good night, and side saddle reverse cowboy.

My second lifelong dream is to open a sexy themed Japanese restaurant called:

Miso Horny.

My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

I've been so horny as of lately that I now carry, "Caution Wet Floor," signs everywhere I go.

I like my coffee black, black like my soul.

Sure, I go through your garbage, but it's not like I follow you on Twitter.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

"Be kind to others, Evil Lisa"

Don't get it twisted, I'm DTF. I just require sexy flirting and poor response time to my texts to make me really want you.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I'm always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

Perfect name for a bar?

Intervention.

I want to marry an Asian man so his mom can do my laundry.

You down with O.C.D.? Yeah 1,2. 1,2,3. 1,2. 1,2,3.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.