Have personal charity causes gone too far? I saw a woman raising money to have her fanny tightened. There she was, waving her bucket around.

I thought I saw a duck-billed platypus on the high street, but it was only a beaver eating a pringle.

I knew this day would come! Wikipedia is on strike and those who laughed at my warnings now want to borrow my Encarta '95 CD ROM.

260 days into my Mayan Advent calendar and I realise the chocolates I always look forward to are actually small parts of human sacrifices.

I would prefer David Guetta's club bangers much more if it was a sausage stand he ran in a disco.

I was just cleaning my vaccum cleaner with its own hose and it suddenly sucked itself up! It died of natural causes: nature abhors a vacuum.

Hullo this is errol i am doing workexperience in the Littel Fisting Tweetpod how does this thign work is it on? Hullo

Ive been speaking into my tweet-trumpet, to be transcribed by slaves as usual but with no success; I realise now I was talking to a daffodil

"I'm in a pickle" - amusing if said by a confused old lady; unpleasant if referenced with sexual connotations.

Gossip spreads too fast here. I was eager to see the Italian newcomer's rubber toe for myself. Then I found out he was just called Roberto.

Hello to those of you new to the village! We're having a fun'n'informal gathering at 10am. Inside the Stone Circle. Bring a sacrifice.

My neighbours are like chalk and cheese... one is calcified and one has a yeast infection.

We're trialing a home-help scheme! Half the village has monkey butlers, half have robot butlers. I don't foresee any problems with this.

It's time my biography revealing that Steve Jobs was GAY came out (as it were). 'Jobs for the Boys' will be a total tell-all.

The village seems very tidy today. Almost... TOO tidy. It can only mean one thing: WOMBLES. The long-nosed litter-bothering twats are back!

Q: Is it true that all jokes are based on just three 'original' jokes? A: To get to the other side.

I've just learnt that a really bad DJ has moved in next door, from browsing the decks offenders register.

My mum calls my step-Dad my faux-pa.

Little Fisting has // a Haiku Sweatshop for rent // results not so good

A new Bakery has opened in the village. It is called "Dude, Where's My Carbs?"