I just called to say I love you, but you had to ramble on for an hour, didn't you?

At some point in history, someone had no logical reason to kill random people, so they came up with religion and it all was ok again...

Do you know why all gays dress fabulously well? Because they all come out of closets

Jesus saves but does he backup?

Do animals enjoy silent human films as much as humans enjoy talking animal ones?

"I forgot" should be a valid excuse for not going to work

Right in this instant, 56 activists with the hope of changing the world with minimal effort joined Twitter

Her boobs are so big they have their own Twitter account

When someone corners you with logic, look them straight in the eye and start screaming hysterically

Some women nag, others are dead

Every three minutes a smoker dies from secondary whining

But if I don't take a picture with me holding a camera how will people know that I have a camera?

Church: Where God judges you while you judge other people's clothes

They told me that I should smile more at work so I told them they should pay me more. Never heard any more remarks since

Screw every person with national, religious, or gender pride

"Look! No hands!" - Snake

How the fuck did we get from living in nature to visiting it as part of our leisure activities?

Feminism, because "Inferiority Complex" doesn't end with "ism"

Nothing shows you how insignificant your job is more than training someone for your position

I'm pretty sure the Phoenicians used to spend more time bragging about their ancestors than actually getting something done