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Today a black woman called me "Giiiirrrrll" and I have never been happier in my entire life.
My microwave is broken so yeah, I feels you Africa.
Never gonna happen, slutty girls with Audrey Hepburn posters.
Was texting when a sheriff pulled up so i instinctively hid my phone. I was walking. I'm an idiot.
At the start of every fall, I excitedly search all my jacket pockets for forgotten cash. Then remember I was broke the previous year too
I'm not too good to go into my yard in just my underwear to yell at birds.
I'm friends with far too many pets on facebook.
The cashier at the liquor has finally learned to stop asking if I'm throwing a party. Yes, it's all for me.
Do you think people in wheelchairs give phenomenal handjobs? All that upperbody strength...
My friend refuses to say "sexting". She calls it "sex texting" and I cant take her seriously anymore.
Something About Love, a 40, 2 donuts, box of veggie chicken nuggets and a pint of ice cream. Let the healing process begin.
My boyfriend has been saying "ugh kim kardashian and kaye west. What the fuck are they thinking" randomly all weekend and its why I like him
I feel like it isn't too much to ask science to bring back pterodactyls so I can fly one to work. It would break our oil dependency
As soon as I walk in the house, it starts pouring rain. This girl's got game.
Le bf has fallen asleep and trapped me in a vice-like grip. Please send chips.
My entire life is just a tribute to burritos.
I hate global warming because I look really good in boots and sweaters.
Most people who dress like pinups are the exact opposite of what a pinup should look like
Just realized the pants I've been wearing for the past 6 hours are on backwards...I'm going to be a mother.
Ive been watching My Strange Addiction for hours and I have no plans to stop. This is who I am now.
I used to be funny, now I have a puppy and am pregnant so that is pretty much all I talk about