Can't look at my Kim Jong Il poster without bursting into tears

I'm going to go and reverse-loot Primark tomorrow by folding all the clothes and putting them back on the shelves in size order

Katie's looking very sharp. Well mostly her chin. #xfactor

CHERYL COLE [throws] ROCKS [at black people] [probably]

Someone could have warned me about Sinitta's hair, I wasn't aware I'd need to switch to widescreen. #xfactor

WHO THE FUCK IS HAVING SEX WITH THESE UGLY CUNTS?

#goodluckcunt we have one ad break to get this trending. MAKE IT HAPPEN

I saw hundreds of tweets to the effect of "kill the Japs/slitty eyed bastards" yesterday. Should I call the police?

It's fine to tweet equally disgusting threats about Riley 69 as he did because he started it. And that's how the law works. On a playground.

Chipmunk is wearing sunglasses to disguise the fact that he is actually just Miquita Oliver with a shaved head #mobos

BREAKING NEWS: According to local graffiti, "Carl is gay for bein a twat 2 Abbie!" More on this as it develops.

I am in lidl. some women are buying incontinence pads and their card has been declined. How bad can your day get?

Where's Calvin Harris with his pineapple when you need him? #xfactor

Hate it when babies look at me and the parent expects me to be all cute and interact. I'm not smiling at your ugly baby, put it away.

I've been doing my bit to promote the Gay Agenda today at work by drawing pornographic sketches of gay sex on my customers' receipts.

If I were a doctor and someone came to me with depression I'd hand them a copy of 'This is Alphabeat' and send them on their way.

RUMOUR: Today's #BBCQT ends with Baroness Warsi jumping up on the desk revealing her ripped jeans, and belting out "Turn My Swag On".

ONLY THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

Janet's going to perform John Cage's 4'33" for her 'save me' song. #xfactor

Brian is doing that annoying thing Davina used to do, telling us about things we saw with our own eyes about 30 seconds ago