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'You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smoooooooth criminal.'- Me as I moonwalk out of the kitchen with a bag of my bro's Skittles.
People watching is the best sport. And the only sport you can partake in while eating fried rice.
Ladies if you wish to obtain an orgasm, don't sleep with the guys I have.
Is it just me or does anyone else feel weird getting changed in front of animals?
Cat wont stop staring, It's making me nervous.
All the other shops are playing fucking Christmas music. Me? Motherfucking Mozart, because I'm a cultured bitch.
I just told my housemate to go to bed like a Mother does. If I were her I'd have punched me, but she's not me so she went to bed. haha
The kids with the fucked up lives always tell better stories.
My last date obviously doesn't like piercings, because when he saw I had all three nipples pierced, he legged it out the window.
Along with intellect, I like imagination in a person.
If I were Katy Perry for a day I would do terribly filthy things to her husband.
6 months ago my dog was a paraplegic and had doggy wheelchair. Today I took her for a run and a swim. What a fucking champion.
My arms have gotten almost flabby, I guess lifting beers too my mouth isn't enough to tone them.
Tomorrow's shopping list:
Ice-cream, candles, AA batteries, carrots, cucumber, K-Y, some kind of romantic movie.
My pillow smells like an unfamiliar person. Who the shit-fuck-cunt has been in my bed!?
Asking my Mom random shit in Spanish because she answers without knowing what I've just said. She's now going to buy me a house. Win
I always check the back seat of the car for ghosts and murderers before I get in. You can never be too careful.
Yay for boobies.
Collector of cats. PhD in naptime and procrastination. Wifed. Kik/Snapchat: LlamiFace