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Curb stomped my 2yo in a game of Cootie Bugs today. Just like I'm going to skull fuck this seminar on unnecessarily violent imagery tonight.
The best part of lincoln logs is the possibilities. You can build a log cabin or a ... did I say log cabin yet?
Has anyone figured out where to put your arms when sleeping yet?
"Seems silly to throw it in the trash just because its covered in human shit." - Where the Cloth diaper industry and I come to an impasse.
My wife being out of town for two days has taught me how unbelievably amazing I will get at video games if she ever dies.
After $585,000 night in Paris Hotel, VP Joe Biden has been officially banned from using Priceline's "Name Your Own Price" feature.
I like when baseball players point to the sky after Homeruns to thank and honor Jesus for the sweetass steroids.
After I tell my 2yo she's a big help, I always quietly mutter "But not really at all", so it's on record with God what a giant burden she is
If you come to our house, and the toilet paper is on the little roller thing, we are living a lie for your sake. Hope you're happy.
When you make a big batch of cookies, you become accustomed to a certain level of cookie availability that just isn't sustainable.
Wobbly ceiling fans make me think I'm seconds from being Final Destination'd.
You people who write funny things in like twelve words are borderline wizards to me.
What's with all the April fool's jokes? Wife said it was only March 32nd, so you're all a ... wait a second ... ... that fucking bitch.
Settle down with the vegetables buckaroo. I said I was eating healthier, not trying to live past 60.
This seems like a lot of work for making 10 people half-heartedly snicker for 1 second, and then forget the incident ever occurred.
Hey Africa, don't you hate it when a piece of lettuce in your salad has a tiny bit of brown on it, so you have to throw it all out? I do.
A flat tax? Haven't ladies with small boobies suffered enough?
Paterno is a disgusting man, and anyone saying RIP to him is an assho...OMG! Thriller just came on the radio!! That's my jam!! King of Pop!!
The closest I've come to an archaeological dig is trying to get a toy from under the couch with the flyswatter.
I'll admit, at first I wasn't a fan. But more and more, I find myself cheering for this crack to make it to the other side of the windshield
I like long walks on the beach, rifling through others belongings for food and money on the beach, and sleeping under a pier with my shopping cart on the beach.