Apparently our 8 week old was up all night, good thing I drank all that whiskey, I did not hear a thing.

I took the garbage out without a shirt on this morning and our 85 year old granny neighbor said I looked good, I STILL GOT IT!!

I hear you're really funny, mostly from you, but I hear you're really funny.

The first time I met @itsjustem she put me in a sleeper hold and knocked my ass out! While I was asleep she took advantage of me!!

It is embarrassing how often I have to go to urban dictionary.

You were not funny when there was Favrd and now with Favstar, you are just plain annoying.

It is amazing that I can see your crazy through the internet. Impressive to say the least.

What would @vinnie do?


Smoke it probably.

I'm going on a date with my wife, I hope she puts out.

You are not cute enough to pull off crazy. Sorry.

Remember when twitter was funny and everyone was not a star whore?

I wonder if people who take twitter WAY to serious are the same people who fight at their kid's little league games? Probably.

Sweet, somebody just called me a douche! I am doing it right!

I am totally still a thing, just saying.

phelpsin.

Driving 6 mexicans around looking for restaurant space, I know this sounds like a joke, welcome to my life.

When Farrah died and went to heaven god granted her a wish, she wanted all children in the world to be safe. So god killed Michael Jackson.

I wish I did not always have to use my inside voice when I am at work. Sometimes yelling at people is fun.

Kids are quite elastic.

Remember when I used to read books before twitter, me neither, need to change that.