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"No, you're awesome!"
"No way, you're more awesome!"
-single girls talking to each other on twitter.
Guys can probably tell a lot about a girls oral skills by the way she eats an ice cream cone. I usually get a brain freeze and stop licking.
Someone jumping on my bed to wake me up doesn't entertain me. Them falling off my bed into my dresser does.
Every time I parallel park perfectly I yell out "bitch what!" to celebrate.
I hate when guys with beards hug me because when their scruff touches my face I jizz in my pants.
If I ask you for something and you say, "What's the password?" I'm gonna punch you in the face and just take it.
While shopping I try my best to avoid the cologne section. Otherwise I will be visiting the lingerie section to get new panties.
A guy with a kid on a leash just smiled and winked at me. I'd wear the leash but I don't think the backpack would fit.
Shout out to all the girls who are gonna take bathroom mirror pics at work today. I hope someone walks in on you.
Eating a bowl of lucky charms right now. I'd take a pic to show you but that's fucking stupid.
Im at my most awkward during family functions. Especially when I walk up to cousins I havent seen in a while and ask what the fuck happened.
Just had to drunkenly explain to my friend what it means to have a tear drop tattoo. It went well. We're getting ours done next week.
It entertains me when people assume that just because they like my tattoo, I am gonna like theirs. Trust me, I don't wanna see that shit.
Half my piece of gum just went down my throat so I had to cough it back up. It was weird though cause I normally would just swallow...
I find no question more offensive than, "Do you have kids?"
I hate how people stare at you after you give them an answer they don't wanna hear. That ugly face isn't gonna change what I just said.
To my local area DJ who thinks it's ok to play Taylor Swift with a Biggie beat in the background: I hope you get herpes.
Ok guys, do you think Rihanna and Skrillex realize they have the same haircut?
Whenever I wear a shirt with a phrase on it and someone asks what it says, I push my chest against theirs and ask if they can read it then.
Can someone please tell Pitbull we've had enough? Thanks.
My booty got you lost like nemo. Oh, my friends call me Lo. HI!!!!!!!!!!!!