"You're awesome!"
"No, you're awesome!"
"No way, you're more awesome!"


-single girls talking to each other on twitter.

Guys can probably tell a lot about a girls oral skills by the way she eats an ice cream cone. I usually get a brain freeze and stop licking.

Someone jumping on my bed to wake me up doesn't entertain me. Them falling off my bed into my dresser does.

Every time I parallel park perfectly I yell out "bitch what!" to celebrate.

I hate when guys with beards hug me because when their scruff touches my face I jizz in my pants.

If I ask you for something and you say, "What's the password?" I'm gonna punch you in the face and just take it.

While shopping I try my best to avoid the cologne section. Otherwise I will be visiting the lingerie section to get new panties.

A guy with a kid on a leash just smiled and winked at me. I'd wear the leash but I don't think the backpack would fit.

Shout out to all the girls who are gonna take bathroom mirror pics at work today. I hope someone walks in on you.

Eating a bowl of lucky charms right now. I'd take a pic to show you but that's fucking stupid.

Im at my most awkward during family functions. Especially when I walk up to cousins I havent seen in a while and ask what the fuck happened.

Just had to drunkenly explain to my friend what it means to have a tear drop tattoo. It went well. We're getting ours done next week.

It entertains me when people assume that just because they like my tattoo, I am gonna like theirs. Trust me, I don't wanna see that shit.

Half my piece of gum just went down my throat so I had to cough it back up. It was weird though cause I normally would just swallow...

I find no question more offensive than, "Do you have kids?"

I hate how people stare at you after you give them an answer they don't wanna hear. That ugly face isn't gonna change what I just said.

To my local area DJ who thinks it's ok to play Taylor Swift with a Biggie beat in the background: I hope you get herpes.

Ok guys, do you think Rihanna and Skrillex realize they have the same haircut?

Whenever I wear a shirt with a phrase on it and someone asks what it says, I push my chest against theirs and ask if they can read it then.

Can someone please tell Pitbull we've had enough? Thanks.