I'm tasteless but so is water & we all need that.

I hate you fucking porno bitches for making it look so easy to put things in your ass.

I'm teaching my dog to jump through burning hoops. This is my 12th dog.

I read somewhere that people often look like their pets, so now I keep a supermodel on a leash.

It doesn't matter how ugly you are, I can't see your face when I'm sitting on it.

The beauty of being an asshole is nobody ever expects anything of you.

Thinking of removing a tooth so I don't have to hold my cigarette.

I hate when you see something sick happening & you can't get your camera out in time.

Oh so you like dinosaurs but not dragons YOU FUCKING RACIST

It's the 21st fucking century & there still isn't a cure for hangovers.

Recycle your old flip phones now! Hamsters need sun loungers!

FUCK YOU DINOSAURS FOR DYING OUT YOU SELFISH FUCKS

I'm so sex starved my eyes roll back in my head when I sneeze.

Cut my dog's tail off because my mother in law is visiting & I don't want ANYONE making her feel welcome.

Just got caught stealing a book, I explained that I'm dyslexic & thought it was the 'help self' section.

My cum face is basically Homer Simpson eating a donut

Sorry planet, I'd like to help save you by taking shorter showers but you know how long it takes to create the perfect shampoo unicorn horn.

Just been caught red handed masturbating on my period.

It's fun to make cloud pictures with your kids till you realise you're just blowing smoke rings in an opium den with a bunch of midgets.

There's nothing worse than when you spot someone really attractive & they smile back at you to reveal 3 inches of fucking gums.