Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Twitter:

•Where women find out men have souls & feelings too

•Where men find out women are funny & perverted too

A bored woman is a very dangerous thing.

Accidentally poured myself a glass of wine at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so fucking clumsy.

Tell ur children that they are beautiful, smart & amazing everyday. Cuz some prick at school will tell them the opposite. U must trump that

This Lego dildo wasn't a good idea at all

Apparently yelling "fuck me in the ass" when you stub your toe in public is frowned upon.

Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.

If you're putting sunblock on me and you don't pretend to "jerk it off" onto my back. I'm finding someone else to do it.

I just wanna thank everyone who still understands a tweet w/ a typo. You are all class acts

And those who point them out. Fuck your face.

When someone says something funny in RL, I grab their crotch and yell RETWEET!

I only get in the van if they offer me drugs and alcohol because fuck candy I'm a grown up and you can't fool me.

I'm opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

My hub said that he got stung by a wasp and needed something for it.


I gave him vagisil and a pacifier.

Haha Girls give better head than lol girls. Fact.

Dear porn stars, bright shiny bleached assholes are great and all, but acne free asscheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

Cook a 2lb steak on the grill in heels and football jersey and someone is bound to wreck your pussy.

To the men out there who respect and appreciate the beautiful minds of the amazing women on here. I'm convinced your all incredibly hung :)

I can't tie a cherry stem with my tongue but I don't need to because I'm good at blowjobs.