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Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
A bored woman is a very dangerous thing.
Accidentally poured myself a glass of wine at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so fucking clumsy.
This Lego dildo wasn't a good idea at all
Tell ur children that they are beautiful, smart & amazing everyday. Cuz some prick at school will tell them the opposite. U must trump that
Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.
Apparently yelling "fuck me in the ass" when you stub your toe in public is frowned upon.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.
If you're putting sunblock on me and you don't pretend to "jerk it off" onto my back. I'm finding someone else to do it.
I just wanna thank everyone who still understands a tweet w/ a typo. You are all class acts
And those who point them out. Fuck your face.
I only get in the van if they offer me drugs and alcohol because fuck candy I'm a grown up and you can't fool me.
When someone says something funny in RL, I grab their crotch and yell RETWEET!
I'm opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Haha Girls give better head than lol girls. Fact.
Dear porn stars, bright shiny bleached assholes are great and all, but acne free asscheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.
Cook a 2lb steak on the grill in heels and football jersey and someone is bound to wreck your pussy.
I can't tie a cherry stem with my tongue but I don't need to because I'm good at blowjobs.
To the men out there who respect and appreciate the beautiful minds of the amazing women on here. I'm convinced your all incredibly hung :)
We like it when you make noises during sex too. Grunt, growl, moan and snarl at us.
American woman. Get away from me.
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