Colorado, if y'all aren't singing Rocky Mountain High all day today, you're doing it wrong. Congratulations!

I feel like I'm imaginary, and I'd like you all to stop believing in me now. Thank you.

Volunteering at a beer festival, just now getting around to reading the rules. Can't drink during the shift. Is it sponsored by the Taliban?

I can't tell you how thankful I am to have been given the opportunity to keep it real by not becoming a multi-millionaire overnight.

Hey, everyone one planet Earth, I love you. Please pass it on.

Looks like Chuck Norris actually believes he's relevant. Dude, you're an internet joke. Go sit with Chocolate Rain and shut the fuck up.

Ok, Ciroc, Courvoisier, Hypnotic, Malibu Red, etc. Note to Hip Hop: you are doing liquor wrong.

Woke up all, "yeah, it's a new day! Awesome!" Then, proceeded to trip over a sneaker and crash into my guitar and the wall in the dark.

Screaming, "namaste, motherfucker!" does make one feel more peaceful almost immediately.

Fat kid just went by on a bike yelling,"I'm doing it!" then ate shit as he and the bike went down. I quietly said,"no, you're not."

@andersoncooper /Whitney Houston, Toddlers and Tiaras. What's next? Hard hitting report on FB vs. Twitter? You are better than this.

If America is really becoming the Mexico of Canada, I want to apply for at least dual citizenship.

The way that lady said Merry Christmas sounded like she really meant "go fuck yourself."

Oh my God. These clever bastards are in league! They are working together, hypnotizing the nation into buying any of this shit!

I think the world needs a ban on Honey Boo Boo. Not the show, but that family's DNA. That bloodline has to stop.

Not saying there should be a movement to sodomize legislators who want to differentiate between the rapes, but if there were one, I'd watch.

Honestly, it's pretty liberating when someone else's feelings no longer have a hold on you.

"I am so stoked to be sitting in this cubicle, half hungover, making a bunch of rich dudes more money!" - Nobody. Ever.

What is it about putting on headphones or earbuds that makes people want to start talking to you?

What's got two thumbs, Grey matter and is stoked to go to a cubicle? I have no idea.