TMZ now reporting that Kanye was upset because Taylor Swift refused to accept his Mafia Family invitation.

Working on Sunday makes Monday feel like a second date.



Meaning the odds are good that it will end with me fucked & crying.

The dress I have on today says, "She's confident and professional."


But when the wind blows, it screams, "Guess who needs to do laundry?"

Today, I wore a freshly cleaned and pressed white shirt.


Or, as my lunch likes to call it, a blank canvas.

Fourteen hours in these shoes has given a whole new meaning to "Fuck Me Pumps."

In the South, funeral food is as esteemed as the departed.

Because nothing takes the sting out of losing a loved one like a nice casserole.

"Can't believe charity asked me to donate old clothes to help starving people!

Anyone who can wear my clothes isn't starving!" (via my mom)

To: Lori
From: Lori
Re: Credibility

Not walking around with your dress tucked in the back of your pantyhose. Try it.

I kid, of course.


I only cry after sex on the first date.

(like not with)

(like not with)

(like not with)

I slept like a teenaged boy.

(whew)

Each family has The Pretty One, The Smart One, etc.
Aunt just texted me thanks for her new fave saying, "I’ll cut a bitch."


I’m That One.

Hurricane Ida sends me to Home Depot. Two things are revealed in the parking lot:

1. My dress is not wind-rated.
2. My ass.

A: Twitter.


Q: How did you develop your morbid fascination for things going into and coming out of people's bodies?

My sex life and the NFL regular season have a lot in common right now.






Fine. I'll spell it out for you.





No scoring in 2009.

“You don’t even qualify as an A-hole. You're a C-hole at best!”

Parting comment from boss as we left meeting from hell. Today, I ♥ my job.

Thank you, Crazy Homeless Man Wearing Tiny White Lace Miniskirt, for your enthusiastic approval of my outfit.


Very . . . um, reassuring.

What are the odds that the waiter really just asked if I wanted my burger with man eggs?

It should be obvious to you by now that both my concern and my attention span are directly proportional to my coffee intake.

This caramel apple covered in peanuts & raisins, a dark chocolate coating, & sprinkles MAY lead me to relax my position on fruit as dessert.

Hillary, maybe if you were a little more willing to be a channel for your husband he wouldn't always launch his vessel in foreign waters.