Girls want a guy like Jim Halpert...

Jim spent 5+ years being TORTURED in the friend zone. There are several Jim's in your life.

Wake up.

A girl, but mentally stable.

Ladies, "independent" and "single" are not interchangeable nor synonymous.

"I mean, I still got yachts n' shit..." - Mitt Romney

I told @paulypeligroso that he was adorable tonight. So, apparently that's what I'm doing now.

Sorry dad.

Maybe gay people getting married will help the divorce rate. Make us straight people look better. We really fucked up the idea of marriage.

Anyone else aroused by @kellyanneg's avi?

Don't mistake comfort for happiness. Being comfortable in your situation and being happy in it are two very different things.

This gave me a laugh like I haven't had in a long time. Oh, Jesus... 😂 pic.twitter.com/nRo0H7NG6X

@malonecomedy Eating pussy is a lot like eating an Oreo cookie... It's best when you didn't pay for it

the only motive was motivation... pic.twitter.com/gyPVhorC

Just opened a loaf of whole grain bread and it smelled like glazed donuts. Closest I've come to sex in a coon's age.

Here's a lesson: don't call a girl out on acting like a girl if said girl has more followers than you. She may reply. A headache will ensue.

Seriously, stop with the fucking jokes about bath salts. We. Get. It.

It doesnt always work out like u thought or hoped. Tht just means u dodged another bullet. In time, you'll feel how lucky you were to escape

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" - @meg_ashleyy

Despondent; distracted. You're vicious and romantic. These are a few of my favorite things.

When a girl calls you "adorable," that's when you know you've just purchased a real estate in the friend-zone.

I need a southern/country girl. I know Tennessee, Indiana & Montana make good ones...

Girl: I dont think could date a Republican.
Me: Interesting. Why's that?
Girl: They're so close-minded.
Me: Are you familiar with hypocrisy?