English people, WE'LL stop thinking you're all quaint and proper as soon as YOU stop immediately cleaning up after your own riots.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Does anyone know a good site where I can get a rapid flow of misinformation and unconfirmed reports coming in too fast to process?

How do we know it was John Travolta who sexually harassed the male masseuse, and not Nicolas Cage wearing Travolta's face?

It's fucking cuddle weather, motherfuckers.

"It gets better." - what I tell depressed gay kids who have just started watching Buffy

I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn ice cream into breakfast.

"People love me because I tell it like it is." - a person no one likes

Not dating because you're afraid of getting hurt is like not buying a puppy because it'll die someday: entirely logical.

Imagine the horror of being the first eliminated on a reality show but trapped in the opening credits for the entire season.

We were talking about cheese and I said, "Let's brie honest." Now no one is speaking.

If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.

In all social interactions, I play a silent game of Duck, Duck, Goose. Except it's more like Asshole, Asshole, Person I Can Tolerate.

What doesn't kill you makes you paralyzed by fear to open your heart to anyone else.

I feel impossibly sad every time the fan rotates away from me.

Your friends are hanging out without you. They're having sex. Afterwards, when they're cuddling, they talk about hating your tweets.

Wiping my tears with a donut.

Republicans keep talking about all the free shit Obama gifted us for our votes, as though not dying from a treatable condition is an iPad.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to text and you hit every green light?

Apocalypse now, please.  http://twitpic.com/bnsntz