This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

"It gets better." - what I tell depressed gay kids who have just started watching Buffy

How do we know it was John Travolta who sexually harassed the male masseuse, and not Nicolas Cage wearing Travolta's face?

I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn ice cream into breakfast.

Does anyone know a good site where I can get a rapid flow of misinformation and unconfirmed reports coming in too fast to process?

It's fucking cuddle weather, motherfuckers.

Imagine the horror of being the first eliminated on a reality show but trapped in the opening credits for the entire season.

Not dating because you're afraid of getting hurt is like not buying a puppy because it'll die someday: entirely logical.

We were talking about cheese and I said, "Let's brie honest." Now no one is speaking.

I feel impossibly sad every time the fan rotates away from me.

In all social interactions, I play a silent game of Duck, Duck, Goose. Except it's more like Asshole, Asshole, Person I Can Tolerate.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to text and you hit every green light?

If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.

What doesn't kill you makes you paralyzed by fear to open your heart to anyone else.

English people, WE'LL stop thinking you're all quaint and proper as soon as YOU stop immediately cleaning up after your own riots.

"People love me because I tell it like it is." - a person no one likes

Your friends are hanging out without you. They're having sex. Afterwards, when they're cuddling, they talk about hating your tweets.

Wiping my tears with a donut.

"Do you know about Favstar?" - me, ruining a life

My interests include complaining about not being invited to things, and flaking on the things I'm invited to.