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I have a folder in my computer labelled "Porn" where I keep all my poetry so my girlfriend won't think I'm gay.
Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
"Elvish, motherfucker! Do you speak it?" - if Samuel L. Jackson played Gandalf.
It's not cross-dressing if I look better than my girlfriend in it.
You call it "assault", I call it a surprise party for your ass.
My girlfriend is a complete moron. Which is cool, because I'm attracted to chicks who are smarter than me.
The first chick I ever had sex with kept calling me "Daddy". Finally had to remind her he was my dad, too.
If you love someone, set them free... according to this court order.
Sometimes when I'm jacking off I squeeze extra hard and pretend I'm getting anal. Then I cry myself to sleep on the bathroom floor.
I guess you could sort of call me a "producer" for "16 and Pregnant".
If it weren't for other people's bad karma, I'd never get laid.
Wow, I need to pay more attention to politics. Did anyone else notice the President is a black guy?
A Clockwork Orange is my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
"Remember that fucked-up shit we used to write on the bathroom wall?" <--- Me, explaining Twitter to an old friend.
I've never cheated on a woman. Who stays in a relationship long enough for that to happen?
One man's trash is another man's future wife.
I don't know why you people go on about Ambien. I just took one earlier and I don't see any dihbdwg knkog47gbf *~ni108bgf jklogbppppp
"Jesus, that's fucked up!" *Star* *RT* *Follow* *masturbate*
PETA broke into my house and freed all my Pokemon?
This stripper kept whining about her problems through the whole lap dance. I finally said "I already know! I'm your uncle, remember?"
Lowering women's self-esteem since 1992. A walking collection of flaws and lack of self-control.