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Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
The first chick I ever had sex with kept calling me "Daddy". Finally had to remind her he was my dad, too.
"Elvish, motherfucker! Do you speak it?" - if Samuel L. Jackson played Gandalf.
If you love someone, set them free... according to this court order.
My girlfriend is a complete moron. Which is cool, because I'm attracted to chicks who are smarter than me.
It's not cross-dressing if I look better than my girlfriend in it.
You call it "assault", I call it a surprise party for your ass.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? No? Of course not. There is no god and you're a filthy whore.
If it weren't for other people's bad karma, I'd never get laid.
A Clockwork Orange is my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
Sometimes when I'm jacking off I squeeze extra hard and pretend I'm getting anal. Then I cry myself to sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't know why you people go on about Ambien. I just took one earlier and I don't see any dihbdwg knkog47gbf *~ni108bgf jklogbppppp
"Remember that fucked-up shit we used to write on the bathroom wall?" <--- Me, explaining Twitter to an old friend.
PETA broke into my house and freed all my Pokemon?
I've never cheated on a woman. Who stays in a relationship long enough for that to happen?
One man's trash is another man's future wife.
Lucy is a Cunt, Charlie Brown
"Jesus, that's fucked up!" *Star* *RT* *Follow* *masturbate*
Lowering women's self-esteem since 1992. A walking collection of flaws and lack of self-control. Twitter upped my Follow limit. Finally.
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