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I have a folder in my computer labelled "Porn" where I keep all my poetry so my girlfriend won't think I'm gay.
Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
The first chick I ever had sex with kept calling me "Daddy". Finally had to remind her he was my dad, too.
"Elvish, motherfucker! Do you speak it?" - if Samuel L. Jackson played Gandalf.
My girlfriend is a complete moron. Which is cool, because I'm attracted to chicks who are smarter than me.
It's not cross-dressing if I look better than my girlfriend in it.
If you love someone, set them free... according to this court order.
You call it "assault", I call it a surprise party for your ass.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? No? Of course not. There is no god and you're a filthy whore.
If it weren't for other people's bad karma, I'd never get laid.
A Clockwork Orange is my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
"Remember that fucked-up shit we used to write on the bathroom wall?" <--- Me, explaining Twitter to an old friend.
I don't know why you people go on about Ambien. I just took one earlier and I don't see any dihbdwg knkog47gbf *~ni108bgf jklogbppppp
PETA broke into my house and freed all my Pokemon?
Sometimes when I'm jacking off I squeeze extra hard and pretend I'm getting anal. Then I cry myself to sleep on the bathroom floor.
One man's trash is another man's future wife.
Oh, I thought you said you had a job.
"I do. I'm a DJ."
No, like a job.
"Im a DJ."
This stripper kept whining about her problems through the whole lap dance. I finally said "I already know! I'm your uncle, remember?"
I've never cheated on a woman. Who stays in a relationship long enough for that to happen?
Lowering women's self-esteem since 1992. A walking collection of flaws and lack of self-control. I can't Follow back until Twitter ups my Follow limit.