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I have a folder in my computer labelled "Porn" where I keep all my poetry so my girlfriend won't think I'm gay.
The first chick I ever had sex with kept calling me "Daddy". Finally had to remind her he was my dad, too.
Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
"Elvish, motherfucker! Do you speak it?" - if Samuel L. Jackson played Gandalf.
It's not cross-dressing if I look better than my girlfriend in it.
My girlfriend is a complete moron. Which is cool, because I'm attracted to chicks who are smarter than me.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? No? Of course not. There is no god and you're a filthy whore.
A Clockwork Orange is my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
If you love someone, set them free... according to this court order.
You call it "assault", I call it a surprise party for your ass.
"Remember that fucked-up shit we used to write on the bathroom wall?" <--- Me, explaining Twitter to an old friend.
PETA broke into my house and freed all my Pokemon?
This stripper kept whining about her problems through the whole lap dance. I finally said "I already know! I'm your uncle, remember?"
I don't know why you people go on about Ambien. I just took one earlier and I don't see any dihbdwg knkog47gbf *~ni108bgf jklogbppppp
One man's trash is another man's future wife.
Our society has become so pussified that the next terrorist attack will just be globs of gluten and peanut butter dropped on the suburbs.
If it weren't for other people's bad karma, I'd never get laid.
I want pavement in the streets and cotton in the sheets am I doing this right?
If I screw up and you actually say the word "Facepalm!" to me, I will murder you in your goddamn head.
Lowering women's self-esteem since 1992. A walking collection of flaws and lack of self-control.