The only problem with Twitter is that you could be tweeting with a vegetarian and not even know about it.

It's unnerving.

Seriously, don't come to my place and start openin the blinds, they're fuckin listening.




PUT YOUR FOIL HAT BACK ON.




Moron.

I'm tweeting you from this exercise bike.







Where I am sitting. Eating ice cream.

If I had to choose between bacon and sex, Id choose *vodka.

* Bacon flavored vodka that gives you orgasms....

When I get bored I usually just read my tweets.....




I am fuckin hilaaaaarious.

Bitch I will fuck your shit up, don't you take that last piece of bacon, don't you take it grandma! - me at family brunch

Some people just need a high-five.






In the face.





With a chair.

My poker face is really my ass....without pants.

My exercise routine is basically, getting in and out of bed.





Sometimes I kick it up a notch and do it drunk.

What kind of sick fuck leaves less than a tsp. Of peanut butter in the jar??

Who ever you are, you are an asshole and I fucking hate you.

I like to sleep in my birthday suit when I'm lonely....


To make it easier for possible intruders.

My resume includes making a bottle of vodka disappear, eating cookies and flipping people off while driving.


Who wouldn't want to hire me?

Bitches be crazy

I refuse to except that I am in any way related to my "family"

Its like a crime scene in my pants

Why are the people that SHOULD be funny on Twitter, never are?

Simon says...







SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I find sex is best when both parties have brushed their teeth first.

I feel like I'm being raped by a sleeping bag.- Thoughts when the zipper is stuck on your coat.

So I hear Twitter is the new AA.











I'm so happy right now!
Cheers!






Man I love vodka!