I'm a 30y/o bartender with 3 college degrees who's stoned and eating gummi bears at 8 am in a fucking tiara...trust me, I don't judge anyone

I don't hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying "no" will stifle the child's creativity...

My ex: wow...you look amazing! What's your secret?
Me: well, I lost 250lbs...
Ex: no way...you were never that big!
Me: I meant you cuntface

Mom: What are you doing?
Me:laying in bed wiggling my butt and talking to strangers on the internet
Mom: You're going to end up in a freezer

I'm more fun than a negative pregnancy test....

"Does anyone have a charger?" is the new "Do ya have a quarter for the payphone?"

Best advice Daddy ever gave me was "fall when you're ready" but,"don't let anything stupid stick it's dick in you" runs a close second...

Fuck this shit...I'm going to get high and make some questionable decisions...

From what I'm told Canadian men enjoy banging doggie style which is awesome cause I wanna watch the hockey game too once in a fucking while.

"How to Get His Attention Without Looking Like a Psychotic Whore" is a book that apparently needs to be written immediately.

Hamster sized Raptors....imagine the cute carnage....I'll wait.

him: Why don't you use your real name on twitter?
Me: I'm in their facebook protection program..I don't need them finding me here..

neighbors are fucking in his jeep outside my window. Soon as he cums I'm going to unload a clip of paintballs and scream "she was faking!"

Just a tattooed girl,looking for that tatooed boy,who likes to fuck and doesnt cry during/after sex because "my language hurt his feelings"

Apparently my roomates torrid affair with the showerhead is more important than the fact I'm about to pee in the kitchen sink.

Leave your hand print on my ass and your name on my heart...

I'm such a hopeless romantic...

Relax ladies, you're not the only set of titties in his phone...

Dude that sent me the "wanna fuck your face" DM gave an email address to reply to. So I sent him a dick pic and said "what a coincidence.."

You know there was a battle of epic proportions in your parking lot when you find 6 pieces of weave and a fake "chanel" earring...

Another marijuana fueled friday night in my pillow fort...