Ill probably die the day after I finally get all my shit together.

I almost have 50 followers. I told you motherfuckers, Im building an empire.

I just wanna get high & fuck something.

I just saved $200 on my utility bill by kicking a fucking freeloader out of my house.

My new coworkers started asking personal questions. I didnt know how to explain you guys so I just told them Im kind of a gang member.

One of my patients told me smokings going to kill me. I told her my lifes not that great anyway.

I was wasted all day yesterday so heres to truthfulTuesday, I fucked the neighbor.

Dip me in Nutella & throw me to the lesbians.

My 4yr old just ordered me to cook on the grill & make it bacon. Now I know he has a Twitter account..

Just keep following. I know I haven't gotten us anywhere yet, but I feel like we're making progress.

My 4yr old has to sit in the front seat of the bus for the rest of the year. For a hate crime. Hes mine fuckers, get your own kickass kid.

Had to delete a tweet. Hate that, but evidence is evidence & fuck that.

Im a shameless whore and I have nothing to say for myself.

I cant tell if Im alive and dreaming or dead and remembering.

150 followers. Ha! Now can I please sit at the grown up table?

My stars are not sticking! Im licking them & everything. I need assistance.

The color of my skin looks like liver failure.

Get your ass in the handbasket. All of you.

My mother just called & said Im gonna die like Elvis. She is so stupid. Its 2012 mom, Im in the tub, clearly Im gonna die like Whitney.

I think I just heard this day whisper something about kicking my ass.